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Thursday, December 30, 2010
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The funny ginger tow truck driver and i became best friends on our ride up to Craig's shop. He was hilarious, so carefree. He told me I was awesome for being chill about it. I told him the whole story, about how I'd lied that I was going to the library and instead went and got Eric, and he laughed so raucously and thought I was great fun...'huntin boys' when i shouldn't even have been driving. He told me about all the crazy things he's done with cars; rolled two, jumped a snowbank, parked one while drunk, in the fog, on the front lawn of the office building on 5th south and state, drag raced with vodka and frequent chinese fire-drills, with a topless girl and a "jacuzzi" (water) in the back of his car. Gotten pulled over and acted like a smartass each time.
I told him how i had had it all completely under control until I called my dad; he immediately yelled at me, and then i started crying. He asked about damage before he asked if I was hurt. Literally.
But the tow truck guy made me feel much better. And at the end of the ride, he literally saved my ass in front of my dad. I got out of the tow truck, my dad started yelling at me, and he immediately cut in, saying "You have an amazing little girl. She hit some black ice up there and lost control. She's only been driving for one year, 17 years old, and she handled that skid amazingly well. She could have driven off the cliff on the other side, and given the circumstances it went so much better than it could have. You should be proud of her."
(It wasn't black ice, as far as I can remember... but it was a lot of icy snow. I over-corrected, but if i had corrected my over-correction, I would have tumbled over the cliff into city creek canyon.)
"Hey, next time, you don't drive to him [Eric]; youre the woman, make him come down to you, and of course he will say okay! He has to."
I said "Thank you for that, for telling my dad that"
"I had to step in - when I saw him startin to yell at you like that. And you know, what I said about you was true."
I smiled
"I was trained, not raised. Five sisters"
Friends make the world go around. Even though when i came home, all my mother had to say to me was "You go here and there to see your friends, but are they going to take care of you when you skid and wreck your car? What use are those friends now?"
I couldnt tell her of this amazing, ironic example. But she will never know, because friendship is something crazy bitchwhores can't quite attain.
I never asked his name...:(
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Monday, December 27, 2010
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'I thought of the abundance, of the simplicity of the poems, and said, "in your country is there much propagandist writing, much criticism? We have to do so much, especially in my own country, that our minds gradually cease to be creative, and yet we cannot help it. If our life was not a continual warfare, we would not have taste, we would not know what is good, we would not find hearers and readers. Four-fifths of our energy is spent in the quarrel with bad taste, whether in our own minds or in the minds of others."'
-- W.B. Yeats, preface to Gitanjali by Rabindranath Tagore
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- Black Swan -
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Sunday, December 26, 2010
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This has been one of the weirder days I've had. It feels completely off; like i just want to sleep it off and wake up to a new day because everything feels wrong.
Tori and I took Mosey for a walk, and we literally ran into a dead deer lying on the side of the road, half open, completely disgusting. Then my socks got completely soaked through the holes in my boots. Eric didn't answer my last text. He literally never doesn't answer, and I'm worrying because he has been taking a long time and giving really abrupt answers with other things; second thoughts from the other side? would be like the story of my life.
There was horrible weird tension between Tori and I today. Sometimes when we hang out it starts like that but it thaws within like twenty minutes tops. Today it stayed weird. She was acting completely off-kilter. Her mind was elsewhere. I felt inadequate. There was a weird touchiness and tension and almost competitive edge between us.
Then we watched Black Swan and that movie is.. brilliant but completely wack, and it fucked me up.
More tension driving her back home.
On my way to my house, my car started randomly swerving. So I pulled over but nothing was wrong with the wheels. It kept happening, but more subtly.
The stars are out but I'm sitting here freezing and exhausted. My eyes feel so gritty from lack of sleep. My body is constantly starving. I just want to sleep into a new day, where everything will be good again.
I don't like this day. Not one bit.
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- Happy Christmas Eve! -
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Friday, December 24, 2010
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- I'm experiencing some severe cognitive dissonance over this kid. It makes me a hypocrite, but despite the fact that i loooove him, there are just a few little things
Its not just age; age alone means nothing to me.
It's that he is such a baby.
Nothing that tangibly irks me, in all honesty, just a little unsettling nonsense like;
No one has told his brother, but AJ certainly knows. Not that he seems to be reacting badly, yesterday when I dropped by their house to give eric his present, I ran into AJ pulling into their driveway. He got out and said 'Oh, HI Kamala' with so much laughter under his voice that I burst out laughing too. And he looks at me with this knowing smirk and when eric showed up with his way-too-cute ear to ear smile and twinkling sleek eyes aj had a rather sardonic expression on his face.
AJ has kind of started to grow out of gossiping, and I shouldn't care what anyone thinks of me; and I don't, but I really haate highschool and highschool drama and I know aj enough that he just freely talks about most things, and this recent ( in his eyes both perplexing and hilaaaaarious) development between me and his brother would be one of the first things to pop out of his mouth.
Also, it's always really fun hanging out with the two of them together, but also really weird because Eric starts acting like the bratty younger sibling and the two of them juxtaposed just exacerbates aj's sheer hotness (hmm, he's ACTUALLY my age) and eric's soft-featured, adorable cuteness.
At least schmeric is taller.
We click like no other. It's fun
I'm happy
Busy; the parents are back so I have actual structure reimposed on my life, which will be completely integral if i actually want to finish these college applications.
And the huge pile of christmas-break homework that I kind of shoved in a corner to make my life seem easier.
These past few days were a party, but I have to buckle down.
My family is dysfunctional and horrible and exhausting and wreaks utter havoc on my nerves (don't I sound like an old lady?!), but I just realized how thankful I have to be that they have provided me with hot food, a warm, safe shelter, and some structure in my life, for all these years.
Otherwise, I'd never get anything done.
They're not great parents, and some of my friends have absolutely great parents, but at least they are here feed me and have some concern for me.
Happy Christmas, Roofie! I love you. You are such a brilliant and amazing human being, beautiful from the inside out; not to be a cheese-monger, but it's quite true.
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Thursday, December 23, 2010
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It's funny how these things work out....
Also, it's just hilarious how escapist I am. Not touched college apps or homework today, but there was just so much other stuff. And I feel horrible for not having my priorities straight...
Except not really?
I don't know.
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- Clean air starlight -
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Monday, December 13, 2010
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I am tired like I'm going to cave in.
This weekend was great. Hung out with torcat and baby robinson.
Trying to give him a fauxhawk which his little (6 foot) frame so completely deserves; he held his hands up flat in front of him to deter us, so I simply put my palm against his, laced our fingers and clasped his hand,
and his eyes widened and he molded back to my fingers and, out of shock, kind of just succumbed to my restraint (at least momentarily).
I let him fix my eyeliner and the brat obviously took the liberty to cake it on, i had my eyes closed but could feel him sweeping it all the way to my temples.
I guess I didn't stop him because some things you just have to let happen because you know they will be funny, in retrospect.
Last night, I snuck out and went for a night walk with Molly. It was lovely, the inversion has been washed out and we could see every star; literally every star. Even with all the christmas light pollution, i was able to see a shooting star!
A stray cat followed us for a few blocks. He was beautiful and so fluffy, with black and white patches. He kept scratching himself against peoples' desert scape garden rocks, so then there was the whole concern that we were petting a flea-infested kitty (or, in Molly's words, bubonic plague).
It was cold; we went to village in and warmed up with cocoa. Got home in the a.m.'s, I'm crashin pretty hard.
This morning, we had a late start, so I had breakfast with Mimi, Molly, and Annie. It really was such deja vu. My UChicago essay was fabricated in part, but this really was the first time the four of us have been together, in quite a while.
Suffice to say, it was fun and so sweet, but rough around the edges.
Its k. four days til break. But then fuck college apps and whatnot.
Mr. Dunn is so goddamn chill.
We need to talk! I'll call you soon.....
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Sunday, December 05, 2010
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They don't get it; I'm still delirious with exhaustion. I can't function coherently without sleep. I act drunk and senile and do a whole range of stupidass things. So I need to completely compensate for my sleep deficit; im not STORING sleep, im trying to fucking make up for it so i can actually be productive, you retarded parents. As it stands now, I am frequenting facebook and youtube because I sure as helll cant focus on my history homework.
So motherfuckin tired.
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