Dear Hunter,
It's been hard talking about you, so I think I gotta talk to you. I still feel a lot of guilt, I can't lie. I'm guilty that our last in-person conversation was me being huffy at you for 'not being there for me'. I just didn't realize how much more you needed me at that time, how much more pain you were in. Do you know how much I love you? I hope that I was able to convey that when we were together. I remember you in every conversation. Tori and I were at the aquarium today, and I was imagining the beautifully rich, deep, probing conversation we would have shared in the dark room where we were sitting looking at the sharks swimming around in the tank. And I know we would have talked about the funny faces on all the sting rays, you would have told me about the anime characters it looked like, our conversation would most likely have devolved into anime porn... :) Then, we were looking at this massive 5 foot-long 140 pound Amazonian fish. I said 'Oh my god!' and I stifled an 'Oh Mugaaabe' and I had this pang of longing to be with you, as always. We would have talked about how lumpy and mutilated-looking goldfish grow to be if you put them in a big enough tank, and made fun of how fat the air-breathing amazonian fish is. And I just imagined how hard you would have cracked up, and how hard we would have laughed together, at the story about how people would buy the catfish (honestly, nowhere to be found) at the pet store, and then take it home and freak out when it became too big to fit in the tank anymore, and then they would bring it back to the pet store and try to return it. How ludicrous is that? And I know you would have been so interested when I was pondering how the turtle's ass remained buoyant, or how the penguins remained buoyant, whether or not that had something to do with the million little bubbles trapped under their feathers that stream out behind them in a wake when they dive. It looks so free and envelopingly cool to fly like a penguin through the water; almost like you fly like a butterfly through the water, while you actually coached me on my form in the most encouraging manner; or to see you soar on the silks or fly through the air completely effortless, during a tumbling pass. At your service I finally was able to see you fly off of a diving board, as well. You made it look just as clean and effortless as your tumbling passes and your perfect strokes (;) those too, baby), and I smiled so hard to see you in your little beach-boy black speedo that you wore all week at beach week. You would've looked amazing with your Greek god body in one of the little speedos the other boys were wearing, but your little boy shorts are so cute, so much more Hunter. I can't even.
I was cracking up so hard on the inside seeing that the board at the State Dive meet posted your name as 'Hunter Smith Black', finally figured out it was short for Blacksburg but I just knew I'd be poking fun at you for that and we'd be sitting there stifling horribly misplaced laughter in the front row of your service. And you'd be so much better at stifling said laughter, just like you always were when your dad was saying his prayer before we ate.
It was hard seeing him cry, Hunter. I guess I feel like I sort of got an idea of how painful it must have been for you to see him cry for that first time when you talked with him about liking boys and he told you about how he had started going to AA, and you made fun of him because you didn't know what AA was and then you did that hilariously perfect imitation of what his facial expression is when he would look at you in a condescending manner, when he was annoyed with you. So cute, because it conjured such a perfect image of what his expression actually was; annoyed, but still patient and dignified beneath his mustache.
I want to apologize for being mean to you earlier that day; for being so purposely cold. I was trying to mask my anxiety, because over the last week being with you constantly while trying to engage you and make you laugh and be happy had made me so effing anxious, it had really wrung me out. And I felt like I was recovering, so I didn't want to fuck it up again, but talking to you again, seeing you again, really fucked me up; especially because I felt like you 'hadn't been there for me that weekend', when I needed you the most. It hurts me in my chest so much to say this, but I gotta get it out. I'm exhausted. I could cry hard for hours, for days. I miss you. I'm so sorry that I was cold to you when you were trying so hard just not to burden me while I studied for my test. Who fucking cares about a Cell Biology test when your pain was so vast, Hunter? I want you to burden me with that kind of stuff. I tried to let you know that, but it must not have been enough. I wish I had had the right words to say to you earlier in the semester to tell you the right ways to heal yourself and to take care of yourself. Because maybe trying to get you into therapy wasn't actually the right thing or what you needed, but I didn't know what else to do. I had no idea. I didn't really know how to help you. But I'm so sorry that I was cold and said I already had plans later so I couldn't hang out with you; I'm sorry that I said it in such a mean way. I tried to apologize when I called you a few minutes afterwards, but breaking down on the phone couldn't have helped you and I'm sorry for burdening you with my own selfish, petty pain. And I'm sorry for not saying 'It's ok' when you told me you felt terrible for making me feel bad. Because of course you meant it, I was just being selfish and petty and hurt again. I just wanted you to know I was frustrated that you didn't contact me for two whole days (even though I knew in my heart of hearts that it was because you were hurting that you weren't answering my texts) I guess I was just hurt because I KNEW you were texting other people back even though you weren't texting me back and that made me even more jealous. That hoarse jealousy, that fierce possessiveness i felt every time I was speaking with you or thinking about you; that's just because I love you so much, but so does everyone else. Just because I loved having you as my best friend and I wanted to keep you as MY best friend, even though you are so lovable and fun and easy to talk to that everyone was your instant best friend. That's why I was in pain from anxiety, that's why I was jealous. But it's so petty of me. I know that, and I knew that. But it's not an excuse for me to get all huffy and cold at you. I hoped that my apology text helped. It was completely sincere and from the heart. I immediately felt bad, especially after your super sweet text after my test, about being cold and pissy earlier. So I told you I was sorry for being pissy at you earlier and that I was really sad we didn't get to hang out one-on-one earlier. But Hunter, you were really the one person I wanted to celebrate with that night, to celebrate being done with finals with. You are the only person I ever really want to celebrate anything with; because time with you becomes instantly so fun and carefree, time with you becomes all about me and i feel so special and loved and cushioned by your warmth and attentiveness and your sweet, genuine caring. You were an angel even on earth; too unique to be enclosed by the fetters. I wanted you all to myself, that's all. It was selfish, because you have a light that needed to be shared with anyone; and truly, there was nothing I could do to stop it.
So I just want to apologize for that. And for not dropping my plans with Dakota to hang out with you instead, for not realizing how much you needed to talk about it, about what was going on in your head. I knew you were in pain, I just couldn't fathom how much, so I thought I could at least let myself cool off and listen to you the next day, instead. How was I supposed to know there wouldn't be a next day. I didn't know it was so bad, Hunter. I really didn't. I'm so sorry. I hope that wherever you are, watching over me, you can find it in your big heart to forgive me for not dropping my plans to spend time alone with you instead. I want nothing in the world more now, and forever more, to have another minute alone to let our souls mesh in that easy perfection that they always seemed to find, at least eventually. And I'm sorry for inviting Dakota to dinner; I knew he could handle the pain of rejection from a dinner invite on your accord better than you could handle this, but I felt so torn between you two. I hadn't hardly seen him all semester, I felt so bad that he was ostracized from every event you'd potentially be at. Plus I was going to be with him beforehand and didn't know how not to invite him, so I invited him. So I warned you. That fuckup, that accidentally misplaced text, I didn't have to do it. It was that one text. That single 'We're meeting for dinner at 8' that FUCKED everything up I know things wouldn't have happened this way if I hadn't done that. And warning you about him being there obviously sent you into a deep spiral, because you didn't answer any of my texts or calls checking on you. I'm sorry for not checking on you in person. I thought you'd be asleep, that you wouldn't answer your phone to let me in. And I'm so. so. so, so so sorry for not answering your phone call when I saw it that night. in my groggy delirium, calling you back the next morning was completely rational, i was annoyed at having been woken up. Annoyed! Who the fuck am I to be annoyed? You needed me, and you called me, and I wasn't there.
Hunter, please forgive me. I can't live with this pain, I love you and I didn't mean to not be there for you. I love you so much.
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