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Monday, January 17, 2011
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God hates me or something. I choose them soooo fucking well.
When I was first getting to know him, he clung to my every word, met me every day after second period, started every fb convo with me, answered my texts within seconds and never NEVER let a conversation die out.
With the progressing weeks, he's growing distant. Nowadays, i am lucky if he even bothers to answer a text. I've been more distant if anything, not clingy (I hope..?) because of not having a car and being super busy. I don't know why or how it happened; my only explanation is that his initial feelings weren't solid, either. But from the things he said after; the repeated "i still like you"s.. i never got that vibe...
I dont get it
As the younger one isnt he supposed to like me more? Do i just choose them shittily or is there some internal flaw here??
FML
:( :( :(
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- A Hospital Program to end violence -
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Sunday, January 16, 2011
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http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/13/health/13chen.html?pagewanted=1&ref=health
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So, I'm retarded and completely disorganized and definitely missed the scholarship application deadline for all of Washington University's Merit-Based Scholarships.
But, looking back on my highschool life, a lot of said scholarships wanted me to discuss all the amazing community service work I have engaged in; which I really haven't. Last year, I did a couple solid months regularly volunteering at the Neighborhood House, and I did a few scattered NHS hours here and there, but that's about it. And I quit NHS this year, for all intents and purposes, because it feels like such a load of bullshit.
I enjoy volunteering; don't get me wrong. It just seems that one thing or another always gets in the way of me ever really committing to a project; usually a sport, lotsa schoolwork, sometimes a guy (pathetique). As of now, I (STILL) don't have my car and, not to be a total douche or whatever, but it's much too late for any of what I might do to count towards college admissions or scholarships.
To be honest, I only know one or two people who genuinely volunteer because it's just part of their nature; because they're just really warm-hearted and generous inherently.
In happier news, AJ and I kicked so much ass at BYU MUN yesterday. And Victor and I certainly weren't the first MUN presidents to disappoint; we brought home our rightful glass plaque, and even an additional country award for our not-stacked country. I am so proud of our little MUN noob babies. Yesterday was brilliant. AJ and I had some pretty rich conversations in committee down-time, and i even began to succeed in convincing him not to go to BYU next year (he is mormon, but rather cool and open-minded..as such I don't want him to be completely brainwashed).
I'm also getting rather concerned because another sophomore (an MUN baby) has been hitting on me like fucking crazy. So blatantly that I'm getting comments from everyone around me, including Ms. Nick. He kind of almost kissed me yesterday. I don't know if my cougar reputation has made itself known or something, but it's a hard place to be because a) the kid in question is uber pretty b) Eric doesn't want an official girlfriend, while I do feel like I'm ready for that step c) I could potentially be a whoribble person and play one off the other and coerce something to materialize, but I wont! of course not!
Pure frustrated speculation, that's all....
I definitely want a job. And if I am going to run that half-marathon with Mimi in April, I really should start diligently training. I've had weird restless intermittent motivation which compells me to run on the treadmill a couple times a week, but I'm more deterred because running on the treadmill is BORING and the air quality currently sucks so badly that I can't feasibly run outside (THANKS INVERSION).
I might get to ski more this year because now that my sister is at Bonneville, she'll be going up every friday; and every other friday will be a red day, where I will have an extra free period come next semester, so I might accompany my dad up there (he like...volunteered to chaperone the ski trips or something) to ski with her once in a while.
Tonight, we are planning to order takeout and watch the entirety of the Golden Globes.
I love attractive people in pretty designer clothing; at least on TV, twice a year.
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- Snowwww -
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Sunday, January 09, 2011
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I get my baby back on Monday Night!
I'm so happy. It was really rather shitty not having my car this past week...how did I ever manage before her?
I am going to treat her with so much more respect now. Like, reverence when I sit behind the wheel, because now I know how much it sucks to crash into things.
I went stir-crazy this weekend, but I managed to make it nice. Watched dark knight for the first time yesterday, with tori. Went on a walk through the woods with Molly today; it has snowed and the world is so beautiful right now. Wowwwwzzza
Unaccustomed Earth is addictive, so I re-devoured it in two days; but it def left me depressed. Beautifully written and rather heavy in tone.
Tomorrow, we submit our extended essays (yikes). Whatever, I haven't changed it from the first draft, but a pass is all I'm aiming for as of now.
Craving butternut squash soup.
New loves: lay me down: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnuEOYK1Kps
Red red wine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXt56MB-3vc
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Thursday, January 06, 2011
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I press my index and thumb into my eyeballs
Screw them in until colors explode on the
black canvas of the weary flesh
Stretching gritty betweeen my temples.
Careening, wrenching pain trickles into my
limbs and extremities; creeping out to my pores
We sit at cold, marble desks in a cheerful little circle
His eyes touch me fearfully in little darts
My mind tunnels to my limbs, my hair
My pale, jet-lagged visage
As we leave though the wide, glossy marbled hall
Which reflects all sorts of light, in morning mirages
He throws back a long look; lost and pained and
vomit-worthy.
I squirm under the duress of
your elusive caress
Your gaze strokes me
sweetly
With removed self-control
Far beyond your slender shoulders and
Soft, warm cheeks.
I cannot get closer;
You possess my own elusive
patience and co-dependence
In cleanly poured concrete.
You learned this, when I was penning little words
And exploring dark places in books
And in my head.
She screams into my ear;
It's fuzzy with the alcohol
The room spins; some impenetrable force holds my limbs
A marionette for the only one
I sought to impress,
Whose eyes, painfully absent
follow any smile;
quivering lips
but my own
In those dancing, marbled halls,
his gaze flicks distractedly
While I work every muscle of my plaintive
charisma
To stroke the light in his eyes.
Into the shimmering, flowing lights of vodka and Allegra
The glowing greens of shivering leaves through hot, swollen eyes
looking anywhere but behind;
You possess the painless life
light and lost
in something you will simply never
care to understand.
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