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- This Blog -
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Wednesday, July 27, 2011
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It's odd, the permanence of this blog in my life the past six years is nice; to connect my past to my present, and dream about my future. Very reassuring that everything powerful is stored somewhere, but forgettable if I ever must.
Today Gordon and I broke the tension surrounding the 'going away' conversation; it was pretty hilarious because both of us have, in all honestly, quite easily been able to tell when the thought crosses the other's mind....for the past five months of us. I mean, it was evidence enough that after a bit of a silence trying to muster up the courage to broach the subject, I turned to him and said 'So what do you want to do about...that?' and he immediately understood, turning my question back on me.
It went as expected, the world was again sweet with relief. But I don't think he understands...or at least, wants to acknowledge... the pain this will entail. Not that I know the progression of emotion beyond our first few days, but when I was at orientation calling him, I hurt like a bitch and so did he. It'll be okay. We live to learn.
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Friday, July 22, 2011
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVwEo9YE_EI
;)
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Wednesday, July 20, 2011
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I watched Fight Club the day before yesterday, and I almost feel like it presents the sole instance in which i wish I'd seen the movie before reading the book. Because having read the book ruined all the surprises for me. And it didn't present that badass shock factor that everyone else gets when they first watch it.
I'm gonna get a tatt, a cheetah in black outline, small, just below my left rib cage. Elegant, perching, I'm almost thinking of getting the pose of the cheetah in the wikipedia article; it's gorgeous. I only wish I could actually justify that kind of retarded splurge with a steady income...But I'm definitely planning to work once I get to UVA.
Only a month now, I'm scared for everything that's getting torn and lost here. Tori was worried, at the end of the school year, about the complete disintegration of our friendship when I went off to college. But I have only seen her three times this summer so far, and I mean, we both have time priorities, she's working a lot; I have, even though I'm eighteen, yet to gain a grip on independence in my parents eyes and I'm still sneaking out three or four nights a week, why is this happening.
My mother's mental state is on the fucking edge. Pretty sure I (finally?) heard my dad meekly suggest a psych visit, to which she responded with much bitching and moaning....not overtly because of the demeaning nature of the suggestion, but because 'she simply doesn't have time'; tell me, mum, how can you claim to be so bored of your life and yet not have the time to seek a change?
My family, living with them, feels like a pathetic masquerade that has finally been revealed. The tent has been pulled, it's billowing down slowly, and i want to escape before I'm trapped under the settled mass of loss and insecurity. They never grew up, in so many ways. And I feel like emotionally I've come to terms with the bullshit of growing up under their rigid uncertainty, and learned to grow beyond it.
But I almost wish I was the fuck away from it all right now. Wish I'd decided to take my full ride plus stipend at the U, moved out and had a job.
No regrets, but they're pushing it. I'm scared for my sister. This summer I've been trying to...halfheartedly, I must admit...build something of a relationship with her. Because when I'm gone, my mom's pent up anger and despair have got to go somewhere.
And I'm sure she won't remotely miss me, in so many words, but she will feel unsettled, and it's coming out somewhere. Please stop emotionally manipulating my little sister. I see her going through the same shit I went through and handling it with less resilience.
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Tuesday, July 12, 2011
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Is someone gonna come knock on my door and say 'hey, kid, it's time for you to grow up!'?
This life is like a dream. Endless and sweet and completely unreal. I pinch myself and the sun is still setting, blinding, shooting veins of color into the giant, dark rain cloud encompassing it. I pinch myself and I'm still smoking hookah with my best friends of... six years; the longest I've had from the switching schools bs when i was younger. I pinch myself and I'm watching G watch a movie with, to steal a line from miss Hurston, self-crushing love. I pinch myself and this awesome Ruthie girl I met in sixth grade is going to be my best friend for the rest of my life; God set this shit down in stone for us ;)
My summer reading list:
1. Genome - finished. Awesome (nonfic)
2. White Teeth, by Zadie Smith - finished. You should definitely read it. Not very plot focused, more character focused, but awesome writing.
3. Fight Club - finished
4. Dune - started
5. Galileo's Daughter
6. Papillon
7. A clockwork orange
8. The Dodo
9. Jazz
10. poetry..... (you should definitely make some suggestions)
11. Desert solitaire
RECOMMEND?
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- Camping -
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Wednesday, July 06, 2011
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Camping was amazing.
We started driving friday afternoon, camped out at this little spot annie and drew knew just inside the far reaches of capitol reef. Tons of little bitey bugs, but that was the compromise for camping by a cold, beautiful meander of the green river. When Gordon and I were setting up the tent, a part of one of the poles snapped. And we were able to wrap it in athletic tape from a first aid kit to makeshift for the night, but later it came to be a problem.
That first night was divine, though. Small animals skittered around in the bushes as the sunset dissolved rapidly into a clear, brilliant night sky; almost an eery effect. The sandy apple-chicken sausages were nevertheless delicious. I laid on Gordon's chest and he wrapped his arms around me to keep me warm, and Annie and I pointed out constellations to the noobs, all four of us making up a fair few as well :) But whatever, constellations are, for a large part, sketchy in their own right. If you know what I'm sayin.
Woke up the next morning to birds and Annie stirring into the clear, intense morning sunlight that you only ever see in the desert. Also, loved rolling over to Gordy's sweet face. Stared at him until he felt my eyes and woke up; he's a light sleeper. Apparently it was welcome; I saved him from a bad dream.
We went hiking and then swimming at this awesome natural swimming hole with a waterfall. Battling the current to get closer to the waterfall was exhausting and so fulfilling.
Drove to Bryce; the astronomy festival was a-fucking-mazing. We all filled up flasks, took a couple shots before, and then headed into the solid, thick darkness to see crazy awesome shit. Got steadily drunker and more raucous but could hardly feel it for the cold. Gordon drunk is hilarious, but there's something a little frightening about him losing control. Just in the sense that I'm not used to it. It's interesting, I suppose..
The next morning we hiked an intense trail; the navajo loop. Bryce canyon is gorgeous as all fuck. Rolling pastel red and white hills giving way to vast, purple mesas and valleys in the distance. Trip to Goblin Valley afterwards; backcountry camping fail when the wind blew and the broken tent pole ripped through. Annie and I saved the day by flirting with the ranger for his tent and getting a sheltered campsite. The bugs bit nasty; G and I slept outside. But it was such a warm, lovely night. Smoking flavored cigars and downing the remainder of the grand marinier. He smoked so much weed that he was giggling, literally giggling. Drew got a little high too, which was hilarious.
It was amazing. Freeing. I love camping, I love friends. Swimming holes rock, so does hiking.
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