|
- -
|
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
|
I watched Fight Club the day before yesterday, and I almost feel like it presents the sole instance in which i wish I'd seen the movie before reading the book. Because having read the book ruined all the surprises for me. And it didn't present that badass shock factor that everyone else gets when they first watch it.
I'm gonna get a tatt, a cheetah in black outline, small, just below my left rib cage. Elegant, perching, I'm almost thinking of getting the pose of the cheetah in the wikipedia article; it's gorgeous. I only wish I could actually justify that kind of retarded splurge with a steady income...But I'm definitely planning to work once I get to UVA.
Only a month now, I'm scared for everything that's getting torn and lost here. Tori was worried, at the end of the school year, about the complete disintegration of our friendship when I went off to college. But I have only seen her three times this summer so far, and I mean, we both have time priorities, she's working a lot; I have, even though I'm eighteen, yet to gain a grip on independence in my parents eyes and I'm still sneaking out three or four nights a week, why is this happening.
My mother's mental state is on the fucking edge. Pretty sure I (finally?) heard my dad meekly suggest a psych visit, to which she responded with much bitching and moaning....not overtly because of the demeaning nature of the suggestion, but because 'she simply doesn't have time'; tell me, mum, how can you claim to be so bored of your life and yet not have the time to seek a change?
My family, living with them, feels like a pathetic masquerade that has finally been revealed. The tent has been pulled, it's billowing down slowly, and i want to escape before I'm trapped under the settled mass of loss and insecurity. They never grew up, in so many ways. And I feel like emotionally I've come to terms with the bullshit of growing up under their rigid uncertainty, and learned to grow beyond it.
But I almost wish I was the fuck away from it all right now. Wish I'd decided to take my full ride plus stipend at the U, moved out and had a job.
No regrets, but they're pushing it. I'm scared for my sister. This summer I've been trying to...halfheartedly, I must admit...build something of a relationship with her. Because when I'm gone, my mom's pent up anger and despair have got to go somewhere.
And I'm sure she won't remotely miss me, in so many words, but she will feel unsettled, and it's coming out somewhere. Please stop emotionally manipulating my little sister. I see her going through the same shit I went through and handling it with less resilience.
| |
|
|
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home