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Monday, February 07, 2011
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tired tired tired tired
Been busy, but also the last four or five days I've been suffering from this horrible, inexplicable insomnia. I'll lay there for hours upon hours before I drift off into nightmares, and then wake up and am unable to fall asleep again.
Lack of sleep is making me look ...damaged...and chalky, so then my skin has weird undertones that make me look greenish!
Asked Eric to the v-day dance, which is this saturday. Our group is full of beautiful boys and great friends; I'm pretty sure it will be a blast. At the moment its the only exciting beacon hovering anywhere in the periphery of my life.
What I realized is not that friends have become mundane but that they have become this vital, expected part of my life, to the point that I have a painful codependency on many of em.
More running these days. I've realized that, while I am forced indoors onto the treadmill at least (snow and inversion) the radio is a good motivator; funny ads are distracting, as are the anticipation of the unknown next song and the kick I get when a good one comes on.
I dunno what it's going to be like to make it through this second semester. I've realized I like the good things in life; good food, long walks, running, studying history, math, reading, relaxing with friends, watching movies with my sister; more than other more constructive activities, like getting a job or running spring track. I had about a one week meltdown where I decided my life was falling apart because of my rapidly crumbling motivation (my Korean friend who's way too motivated for her own good didn't help my case much, saying that 'it wasn't too late for me to get my shit together').
I mean, yeah, my procrastination has effectively bitten me in the ass (WuStL withdrew my application because I was too late in sending my ACT/SAT scores....there goes a wasted application fee. :( ..) But by no means is my life falling apart. I'm happy with what I've got. I'm blessed. I work hard where it matters and where I love it. I've chosen my goals and some way or the other I'll scrounge up some motivation to get it done.
Right now it's precarious, because I'm thoroughly unmotivated. Attending school is effectively me working the system to its edges, through every loophole, to the point that I sluffed at least one class every day of last week. But I apply myself in history and in math, which are my only legitimate classes right now. In English, I find that the literary analyses that I bullshit on the spot are far higher quality than most of the other nonsense the other kids who hate reading come up with. I love what we've been reading this year, but the teacher is a jooooke. She tries, but she just doesn't tell me anything I don't already know. Sparknotes is my BFFL.
I miss you
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