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Monday, July 21, 2008
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We just found out that my great aunt passed away yesterday morning...it kind of just makes me realize...you think you kind of....know everything....but then you find out you really don't. As in we're all a lot more ignorant than we think we are.
First of all, i didn't really know anything about her. I saw her at most once a year for a week or two at a time...and i never really got to know her, because she was always so far away and everything. I remember our last visit most vividly, because we went just last summer. She had a stroke a few years ago, and since then she's been severely underweight - as in like 90 pounds - she is literally skin and bones, and it's kind of scary to look at her. haha she has this mannerism of making this weird old lady smacking-the-lips noise, and i remember when i was younger i would like..openly flinch when she did it near me...i feel very mean...
This last visit, i felt pity for her. She is a very, very sweet old woman. she does seem pretty content with her life (she cant remember much, so i guess that helps), but she doesn't get the attention she deserves or deserved in her life. So i talked to her a little bit, and asked her to show me old photo albums and stuff...she liked that :) and i gave her a big hug on the day we left for the states again...i dont think she's been touched in a while...its just not really an indian thing...like parents hug and touch their children tons and tons but then after youre like ten, it all abruptly stops. which is kind of sad, but it happens in a lot of other places too so hey, its not unique.
I remember watching her copy out religious passages in tamil, my dad standing by and remarking at how her mind is still in such working order at such a great age (she was 89 when she died).
So yeah, nice lady, but i honestly didn't know her much.
But i always wondered why she lived with her brother (my grandpa, my dads dad) and their family...like, all of my grandpas siblings would logically be married off - i knew she wouldnt have gone to COLLEGE or something...i just wondered why she wasnt married and with her own kids....But it seemed like one of those questions i shouldn't ask, because she might have been single for some shameful shameful reason...everyone was really mysterious about it.
Fortunately for me, my mom is a gossip queen and has a longstanding grudge against her inlaws (a grudge that they arent even aware of....yeah she's THAT insane) I don't mean to call her specifically STUPID, but it seems that amongst the uneducated, theres a need to create a lot of drama in their lives just to keep themselves occupied. In pretty much every part of my family tree i can find someone who has a grudge against someone else in the family, or someone who refuses to speak with, meet, look at, or aknowledge another family member, usually for some insanely moronic reason. Anyways my mom happily told me the deal with Lakshmi Athai:
She WAS married, at the lovely age of seventeen, and then her husband died two weeks later. :O. GOD wouldnt that suck? not emotionally exactly, because she wouldnt really be that close to him after two weeks...but once you're a widow in hindu society, you're like...worthless. a burden. imagine having to think you've suddenly become just that to your family! mustve been really painful for her. She moved in with her brother, my grandpa...i dont know, maybe they were really close out of all their eight siblings, maybe the situation was just convenient ( i prefer to believe the former.)
I was like "how did he die in two WEEKS??" was he really ancient? was he really sick? my mom said "no he was in the army"....the army.....uh, india wasn't in any wars. the indian independence movement was still ongoing during that time, its true, but the indian independence movement if youll remember was NONVIOLENT so uh, thats not how he died. its possible he was one of the soldiers sent by the british to fight in world war two right? but i dont think so, cuz i wouldve heard lots about such a famous (albeit dead and not actually related) relative. so....he was a soldier, but he must have died out of his occupation. maybe he got run over by a cow.
apparently Lakshmi Athai herself has some moronic grudge against her whole family - BUT if i use my brain a bit...maybe its not so moronic. maybe they were total assholes to her when she became a widow...whatever it is, she specified in a letter she wrote concerning her death (a few years earlier) that she wanted: "her body should be taken to the crematorium only in an Ambulance, no religious rites should be performed no photograph shouldbe given in news papers (no one at Mangala Vilas should be informed !)" the exclamation mark is my uncles surprise that she didn't want to inform her family of her death...must have some grudge against her siblings, cuz her parents are long gone.
it seems like, in her death wishes, she really didnt want to be a burden to anyone. which is SO sad, because i think she already considered herself a burden throughout her life.
so yeah....one thing pisses me off though. various family members have been emailing all the other family members with posh, overly formal, sickening words...i mean first of all, if anyone really cared about her, wouldnt they be calling instead of emailing? this whole new age technology...BLAH. it just makes the messages emotionally detached. second of all, way to use a bunch of pretty words to describe someone you dont know - like, in all their emails people say "we have all these wonderful memories of her... she was a blessing to the world..." LIAR YOU MET HER TWICE
hahahha i guess i haveno right to be pissay
and then, everyone starts using phrases like "her soul now sits in the heavenly abode looking down on us" and "It was the Almighty's way of easing her pain" doubleyou tee eff man. these are literally some of the least religious people ive ever met, and they start dragging these words in.
i dunno, i think that if they never really knew her, they should just send condolences to those who did - like "Dear Ganesh...I know you loved your aunt. i heard she was a sweet, lovely woman....our blessings are with you in this time of loss" yknow? simple, fo sho.
having said all that, we got this really sweet message from my dad's cousin (who is really cool by the way, and i really like his daughter...shes a year younger and way fun). :
"I am with Akhila (my sister) and family right now and we spent the last 3 or more hours reminiscing the good times we had with her when we were growing up. To me personally, she was the epitome of a friend, philosopher and guide, and much more. It is almost as if she was around every time I was growing up facing hard times (e.g., after my father passed on). And she was around not just physically, but psychologically and spiritually.
To me, her passing is to reminisce and celebrate our own past (so rich with family and friends) and cherish our own ways of doing the same for future generations…"
ahahaha i love how im putting this up for the world to see....welllllwhateveahhhh!!!!!!!! peace out, try to do some snooping about an obscure family member of yours, its pretty cool.
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2 Comments:
whoa....actually she was married when she was TWELVE
aww i'm really sorry. i mean, you didn't really know her, but i'm sorry anyways. and i KNOW i HATE it when people are like "she's in heaven, looking down on us" and i'm like wtf? 1. you aren't even religious so you don't know what you're talking about dimwit, 2. you probably didn't even know her that well either and 3. don't give me any nonsensical bs about death being tragic and beautiful. i think death in it's most simplistic form is just...death. like a rite of passage, maybe. for all we know, this could be the first of many lives. we could be reincarnated a thousand years from now. or we could spend the rest of eternity floating around in purgatory. who knows?
and, etiquette-wise, it's always best to call or send a letter of condolence...not email. that's so...impersonal. even if you didn't know the person that well, you should just say something along the lines of "i'm sorry to hear about your loss, my best wishes for you and your family", not some cliched jargon about the almighty. sweet jesus (no pun intended).
i probably sound like a cynical bitch, right now. aaackk sorry. it's sad, though, to hear that she considered herself a burden. that's kind of like my grandma, but that's a story for another day. :]
again, sorry for being an insensitive, overly pragmatic biiiitch, and i'm sorry about your great aunt.
lalaloove!
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