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- iron and wine -
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Wednesday, February 24, 2010
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It's really weird thinking back to when we were 12. It was four years ago, but it feels like nothing much has changed.
In all honesty, a lot of things have changed - friends, the things i fill my time with, my outlooks on relationships with other people, and life in general. I've learned in leaps, and I've grown a hell of a lot as a person.
But I can't see the evidence, except from others. I've had people tell me I've changed a lot since i was 12, but i can't personally see it.
I was just thinking that, similarly, four years from now, we will be twenty, twenty-one. I can't even imagine.
I always wonder when it is we become adults, as such. There's a very controversial teacher at West who has told his TOK classes that people change the most between their junior and senior years of highschool. I don't think that is true.
Change is a very personal process. Some people don't even let it happen. Even when they expose themselves to a lot of different situations, they can choose not to change (which honestly, i don't understand. I feel like a little piece of me is altered by every single experience i have)
Well, I believe that, and then i encounter something that literally sets me back to when i was twelve, or even younger. For instance, today : I was at science fair (I entered this astronomy project that I've been working on, a continuation from camp) and this random guy (not a judge...some kids dad) was walking around criticizing everyone's projects. Like, literally the only thing he told the guy next to me was that there was a typo and mis-definition on his poster. So the guy comes up to me, peruses my poster for about 30 seconds and then emerges an expert on my topic and begins criticizing the way i presented my data, and going "so HOW do you KNOW" and i explained the facts very clearly and he goes "well thats all very CONVINCING but...." and gives me this retarded-as-fuck look. And everything was just building up inside me - anger, the AUDACITY of this man.....and i just reached my breaking point - i started crying.
I felt like such a baby. I felt like, not even a twelve-year-old, a ten year old? I mean, i had some motive because i haven't slept in the past week, and when i don't sleep, ANYTHING can set me off bawling - it always happens. But i was just like FUCK why the fuck couldn't i DEFEND myself to that bastard? What kind of a weak person am i? I'm so into telling people to stand up for themselves, and standing up for myself, and getting angry and doing something about it and this one time where i have to actually use this part of myself, i melted and everything I've learned or gained over the past six years of my life flew out the fucking window.
So later today, when i was driving to pick my sister up from school, I got to thinking about when exactly we really grow up? Because with most of the adults I've met, the answer is never. My mom threw the equivalent of a two-year-old tantrum yesterday, and I'm not even exaggerating. I've been volunteering under Sami's dad at the library, and he is a racist, self-righteous fucker who displays the passive-aggresive, jealous, and maniupulative qualities befitting a teenage girl.
I have specific moments where i feel like I could fit into twenty-year old shoes....even eventually. But most of the time, I feel like I'm pretty enclosed, and not to be cliche, but a little naive.
And thinkin about which of my friends could actually be adults - maybe half. A bit disconcerting.
The other half are needy, dependent, insecure.
It's almost like, to acheive any maturity within our lives, and to age emotionally and morally, we need to go through certain life processes, and go through them in the right order and the right way. Either that or face adversity, and fight our way up.
I'm yet to see how pampered kids make it in the world, but I'm just guessing some day they will realize the world doesn't actually work for them.
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