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- For one so small, you seem so strong -
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Monday, June 18, 2007
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I often think about my parents and how they feel about their lives so far. it's such a fascination for me because I like to surmise what they regret and what they enjoy...would they go back and live their lives all over again? Would they pursue something that had been an optional path when they were younger?
Spending the weekend with my cousin and her husband, I noticed how happy they are together. I noticed how if one of them is feeling down the other can cheer them up nonverbally. While my parents patience and love is tested more and more each day, month, year into their marriage, my cousin and her husband grow closer as time progresses.
The explanation for this would be that my parents marriage was arranged. I never before thought it was a big deal - my parents seemed like any other. Sure, they didn't hug or kiss....ever, but when i was younger, i didn't notice or care about that. As i got older, they started to fight more. Now, it's almost every day, my mom being a cruel nagging whore and my dad trying to patch everything up while maintaining his dignity... a mere miracle when you're dealing with my mother.
As i entered my teenage years i entered that phase of really pondering love, and i began thinking about my parents love. I feel that the best way to describe their love is like a brother and sister on a "cease fire". That really doesnt sound nice, i notice.
My mother once said "you can learn to love". It's true. If you force people together for multiple years, they will learn to love, for it is in the nature of a human being to do so. But there will be unhappiness in the people, and thus in the people who live with them... in my parents case, their children. My cousin and her husband don't fight. They talk easily, their personalities are compatible, they love one another. My parents fight, they have the ability to talk easily but too much comes between them, and their personalities aren't compatible. Neither is there any true love between them, as they did not choose one another. They merely accepted one another.
Which brings me to say that your choices are your life. They can make or break it, they can make you love it or make you hate it. My mother always goes off on rants of how her life has been ruined, how she never got to do all that she has wanted to...how she had me too early, how she was "forced" to have me... she ruined her own goddam life and i am so fucking tired of her.
I am so mother fucking tired of how i have to put up with the results of my parents arranged marriage. I am so tired of never seeing actual love.
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