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Friday, June 29, 2007
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I hate my mother. I absolutely loathe her. That f***ing b*tche's head is full of elephant shit.
I hate what i have to put up with, living with her. Her hobbies include insulting me and yelling at me. Both happen multiple times daily.
Recently she's begun to take out her feelings on me. Even if her feelings of anger have nothing to do with me, she takes it out on me. She said so herself yesterday, after she hit me about five times while screaming abuses at me and pinching me. She tried to pinch my face, but there wasn't enough skin. It was scary, it hurt. Her face was full of pure hatred and violence. I hate that excuse for a human being. She thinks shes brilliant, sh e thinks shes perfect. She really does. Thus of course its perfect for her to take her anger out on me.
Today she hit me and then threatened to strangle me with this awful look on her face....all because i didn't hang something up to dry the right way and it was still wet. I want to kill her. I really don't have any use for that fucking asshole piece of shit of a woman. All she does is berate me and make me feel bad. I really can't put up with this. I just can't. I've thought about running away but thats a stupid idea.... i know that...... and i would scrape up the guts to hit her back or something if it weren't for the fact htat i really want to go on this europe trip, and i am not letting that fuckwhore keep me from doing something amazing like that....and also, my sister needs a mom.....and if i hit my mother she might really leave the house like shes been threatening for years.
she honestly just doesn't give a damn about me. To her, i don't have feelings.
Argh...... its not like shes like this all the time....but recently..........god im just so tired of her. i wish my dad had married a woman with a brain.
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- For one so small, you seem so strong -
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Monday, June 18, 2007
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I often think about my parents and how they feel about their lives so far. it's such a fascination for me because I like to surmise what they regret and what they enjoy...would they go back and live their lives all over again? Would they pursue something that had been an optional path when they were younger?
Spending the weekend with my cousin and her husband, I noticed how happy they are together. I noticed how if one of them is feeling down the other can cheer them up nonverbally. While my parents patience and love is tested more and more each day, month, year into their marriage, my cousin and her husband grow closer as time progresses.
The explanation for this would be that my parents marriage was arranged. I never before thought it was a big deal - my parents seemed like any other. Sure, they didn't hug or kiss....ever, but when i was younger, i didn't notice or care about that. As i got older, they started to fight more. Now, it's almost every day, my mom being a cruel nagging whore and my dad trying to patch everything up while maintaining his dignity... a mere miracle when you're dealing with my mother.
As i entered my teenage years i entered that phase of really pondering love, and i began thinking about my parents love. I feel that the best way to describe their love is like a brother and sister on a "cease fire". That really doesnt sound nice, i notice.
My mother once said "you can learn to love". It's true. If you force people together for multiple years, they will learn to love, for it is in the nature of a human being to do so. But there will be unhappiness in the people, and thus in the people who live with them... in my parents case, their children. My cousin and her husband don't fight. They talk easily, their personalities are compatible, they love one another. My parents fight, they have the ability to talk easily but too much comes between them, and their personalities aren't compatible. Neither is there any true love between them, as they did not choose one another. They merely accepted one another.
Which brings me to say that your choices are your life. They can make or break it, they can make you love it or make you hate it. My mother always goes off on rants of how her life has been ruined, how she never got to do all that she has wanted to...how she had me too early, how she was "forced" to have me... she ruined her own goddam life and i am so fucking tired of her.
I am so mother fucking tired of how i have to put up with the results of my parents arranged marriage. I am so tired of never seeing actual love.
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Thursday, June 14, 2007
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Hey Im back
from a verrrry long break
which i took because no one used to come to my blog! *stares at you accusatorily*
now i hope that shall change
:D
im very happy
i had a good day today. I got up and i had a delicious breakfast cooked by my grandma. then i pretended like i was taking a long time to change and instead shut the door and took a nap. i woke up and then i went back through all of my really old books and enjoyed some enid blyton, which if you have not read is absolutely beautiful writing, meant for children/teens but everybody loves her books anyways. at 10 i watched two episodes of I Love Lucy. Then i read some more, and practiced piano.
Now, i usually have my window open while im practicing piano, and today while i was playing, i heard some yelling from next door. so i stopped playing, and i hear this guy yell "Shes playing again! Shes always playing! I'm not even fucking kidding!"
and i started laughing, and of course started playing louder.
as if that isnt enough of an amazing day, i went biking with mi padre in the evening, when it was nice and cool and pretty.
im a happy duck
and im so excited for our trip!
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