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Thursday, October 21, 2010
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Yesterday was a complete mess
Heart racing and palpitations for three days preceding state
Came to a peak the day of state. About three hours before I had to race, it peaked
98 bpm resting heart rate, where I'm normally around 60
And probably supposed to be lower, at this point.
But it was horrible
Felt light headed while warming up
Completely died during the race but made myself at least finish it out because
It was STATE, after all
I cried so hard
Dad took me to Insta-care. EKG, Chest xray, blood test.
I don't know, wish i could say it's been a long time since I've cried this hard
But a few weeks ago I felt almost as crushed
My father,
I want him to be more involved in my life??
And then when he actually steps in for a second
He fucks up everything I've worked hard for
Like my fucking self esteem and
Sense of balance.
I don't want to be angsty
Today, Mr. Campbell
My coach and art history teacher, a complete asshole and a very inspiring person
Basically told us how our generation is absorbed with being angsty
And doesn't push ourselves nearly hard enough.
We sit on our asses, we are balls of potential who
don't start rolling.
We are too scared and unassertive to be brilliant
It's something we have to work for,
even though this whole idea of innateness and
Democracy
has 'taken the rest of us so far'.
We can be faster if we want to
Stronger
Smarter
Better at everything
If we are just willing to subject ourselves to discomfort once in a while.
God. God. God. God. God. Shit.
There are few people who make me better, and not worse right now.
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