- caffeinated - Friday, August 20, 2010 The sun here is blue, a bright, quivering, blazing blue teardrop, because all the yellow is scattered and muffled by layers of thick clouds. The cows have owners, and healthy, glossy glows to them. They dociley stop traffic and graze out of dumpsters. In the early mornings, you can hear the birds and the crickets raising cain in their limited period of solitude. When i run in the mornings, the sunlight spreads slowly over the Chamundi temple hill, like drifting melted butter, a slow, warm yellow glow. I saw a macaw this morning, on a college campus. Only here, man ;). I also found the most peaceful place on earth, a few days ago. Or should I say, the most peaceful state of being, because it was a combination of factors. It was right after a delicious, heavy lunch, my body was completely quiet inside, and i went out to the big, marble verandah of my dad's father's house, and swung, trancelike, on the big oak swing, pushing against this spot on the metal decorative work under the banister in front of the swing to keep my momentum going. There's this place where my big toe fits perfectly, and I kick off the wall from there. Sitting on the swing, the vista is of tall, swaying, lustrous palm trees, and hawks hovering in slow, lazy circles on thermals rising from houses and the thali pond and temple nearby. I sat there, and I resolved that it's time for me to be rooting the people out of my life who bring me down and sap my energy. For moments of rare total peace like that one, I would give a lot. And the best I can do is bring myself as close as possible to that kind of state of calm every day of this coming year. but its not going to happen. who am i kidding? We are 17 year old girls in big highschools. Shit's gonna keep happening, we just have to keep our heads over the mess and keep breathing. And, i never bought that crap about staying true to oneself, because people are so dynamic that that really doesnt apply. But, I'm discovering every day, that more and more of that is true. I'm all for relativistic morals, but there is an extent to which you've got to look at whether you could be hurting people and just stop.

posted by Kick-butt soccer star @ 5:44 AM [[ 2 comments ]]

- In the Marriot, mapping lice. - Tuesday, August 03, 2010 I'm in the marriot library (the U) right now, working on stuff for the poster presentation and paper for biology. It wraps up this week, the poster presentation session is on Friday. It wasn't as fun or educational as i thought it might be, but i met Ben, and Ben was great. I'm going to miss talking to him every day. He's already gone, it was really weird saying bye to him, because honestly I've only known him for about a month, and it was a goodbye as in 'I know I'm never going to see you again'...ever. usually there is at least some ambiguity in goodbyes, like when a senior friend graduates and you promise to hang out throughout the summer, and it never happens, but at least there was no definition to the parting. it was hopeful, not resolved. So I just ate my weight in orange chicken (and it no longer feels good...). I don't want to go to india, but at the same time i kind of do. But i feel this sick....creeping feeling, that after i get back, everything will be different with him. We already have a completely random schedule of meeting up. He's perfectly sweet, chill, kiss-me-goodbye-every-time-we-part, so far, but I can't gage anything. This is so weird to me. I wrote poems about this kid. I was infatuated with him three years ago. that part passed, and I gained maturity, but it's still so very very weird that this happened. I don't want to go to India for two weeks and be lusting after him with that terrible ache. It happens to me most times i go there, with some person or another. There's something just so great about being there - mostly in the first few moments after we land, when all we can see is dense, thick, green forest surrounding the runway, and the air is so humid it sticks in your lungs, and everything smells and feels and sounds...just right. But then the absence kicks in. I love getting there, and I love the sweet pain in leaving there, but being there is often pretty boring. Last year (sophomore year), i went to India over spring break, and there was a big holy holiday one of the days i was in Calicut, and we went to the temple and it was AMAZING. They had temple drummers playing the whole day, and the elephants were dressed up and paraded around, and it was so beautiful and so.....exhilrating. And then when we stopped by my mum's town, Bangalore, I hung out with the group of girls who lived there who were around my age. We played soccer in the streets. it was so awesome. But this time, my grandma has moved into an apartment complex (WTF?) and there will be no street to play soccer in.....and somehow i have to run five miles every day. Its so hot, and when youre not hiding from the heat, you're hiding from the buckets of monsoon rainfall which so lovingly grace the eaves every day. So it will be worth it somehow, all in all. i will make it worth it. I have a hell of a lot of summer reading for english next year, i can use the two weeks in india for that. (TWO WEEKS. two weeks. one thing about this summer, it's given me the weirdest handle on time. always waiting for something, but trying to pack it in. two weeks is a very very long time, but it can be short if you dont try to do anything with it). Oh yeah, plus that funny thing called the extended essay which i try to pretend doesn't exist. Read The English Patient. Do it.

posted by Kick-butt soccer star @ 12:57 PM [[ 0 comments ]]