I'm so wired right now. I'm not sure I can handle this schoolwork thing anymore; I feel burned out, as though all I want to do ever is go out and party and have fun. I do love learning and volunteering and researching and enriching my mind and soul in so many ways; but at the same time, I feel stressed, crammed into a little box of expectations and hoops that I must jump through, to graduate, to work, to live in a minimal state of cognitive dissonance (which I, quite honestly, feel like I am constantly dealing with).
My stress is more of an excited, amped-up stress than anything: this feeling of kicking, of rearing to get out; to escape the confines of a structured and sometimes boring curriculum, to engage myself more outside of the throes of my mind and grappling with the world. I need to take all this pent up energy to the gym and let it all out, calm down a little bit. I just feel excited; but also a complex conundrum of conflicting emotions regarding going out tonight with someone I'm not-so-secretly in love with, and one of my other best friends who is absolutely a beautiful person, outside especially, but also inside without a doubt. I can't lie, I'm kind of jealous.
Because he and I are best friends. We have a closeness that I honestly have only ever before experienced when I was in a relationship with Gordon; but we maintain it without real physical intimacy. Our minds connect and vibe and I love him so much. And while I do want all of my friends to be friends with each other, on some level I kind of feel possessive over him, over the strength of the friendship we share. I think on some level I just want to know that he won't become as close with anyone else as he is with me. But this is petty and childish; I'm sure he has enough heart and emotional capacity to share his love with more than just one person; and they're both great people, so I have no idea why I'm freaking out like this. Tonight, if I ever start to feel jealous, I just need to take a step back and take a deep breath and calm down, smile and enjoy the fact that my friends get along with each other so well and it isn't so tense as, per se, suffering through an occasion where he and his ex are in the same room together.
She's beautiful though, and that makes me a little jealous when it comes down to men in general. Because she really could get any guy she wanted; at least, that's certainly the impression that I get. But is there any use in fighting this? No. I'm happy for her. Such is the nature of the world, it's definitely worth it for me to approach the entire situation with a calm, open mind, devoid of expectations. For when we are devoid of expectations, this is when things actually tend to fall into place. I know enough about how pushing and pushing can just cause a lot more stress and worry and pain for things that are often immovable when confronted by the constant stress of our desires and our emotions. I can approach tonight just planning to be a pleasant person all-around. Such is the nature of MY duty to the world: to make the world a more pleasant place for everyone to inhabit, by being the pleasantest person I can be for them. I will ask them about their day, greet everyone with a warm and inquisitive smile, refrain from talking about myself too much, and speak calmly, slowly, and warmly to convey my openness to the world. This is what is important after all: to help everyone else smooth out the rougher edges to their day by being a pleasant person for them to be with, and by making them feel better. For, as cheesy of a quote as it is, it is very true that each and every day we are all facing our own, different internal battle; and we owe it to one another to be easy on ourselves, and to make it easier on each other. To, as Langston Hughes might put it, soften the touch of the too-rough fingers of the world.
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