I've never been much for gut feelings, or trusting them. But I think that I may have just gotten a hint to change that.
I got my letter from Brown today, for my final admissions decision off the waitlist. I got the little envelope... I didn't get in.
I was disgusted to have to deal with a rejection letter after the ones I got this spring from REUs and after the college admissions process was supposed to have been over for me for GOOD. But I suppose it was just another first, concrete step, in realizing that life is a series of acceptances and rejections, part chance and part applied skill, ambition; but it doesn't just end with college decisions, or any other specific big instance. And it was important to realize that I need to keep literally and figuratively applying to things. I've grown my shell, I will find away. Rejection still stings, but not in a personal sense any more, and it's just like an encouragement to look and pursue deeper what I already have attained, or to cast a light down millions of other alleys of exploration that I'm yet to reveal in my mind. I'm excited to become more connected to UVA. I'm excited to love it more than I already do, I'm excited to make some of the best friends of my life, do real research, and study my ass off with two majors and a minor at one of the best universities in the country.
I think it's significant that my gut reaction, when I stopped to look at it a little bit, breathed after I paused in my whirlwind thoughts and caffeine-spun words, was relief. A little sadness, maybe a little sting and questioning why I wasn't good enough? But overall, I was looking through this summer lens at UVA, the rolling spread of the green campus and the paths I've trodden so well day and night, the lights, the closeness I felt with my friends, the new, sweet, nostalgic experiences, all in this light of new optimism and excitement and I finally realized how much I miss it. And how much I like it. And the relief? I think it has nothing to do with Gordon himself, and everything to do with my fear of having to make the decision in the first place, the implications of that decision, and the possible resentment I might have come to harbor; what if it turned out that I didn't like it? It would have, as Mimi put it, given him a lot of undeserved flak.
I think UVA is a better fit for my indecisive plan of study. And I think I knew that all along, but I needed some forays into my extended families' opinions (thanks, India vacation, for giving me time to reflect and spend a little time inside myself) no innuendo intended.... and I needed to try to picture myself somewhere ELSE, much different than UVA, to feel the way it fit me. Not perfectly by any means: I wasn't one of those high school students who really had a perfect-fit dream school in mind. But uniquely. It offers a unique set of opportunities that I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of exploring, and I simply can't wait to make it fit better, to carve my niche.
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