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Sunday, April 29, 2012
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I feel a thorough disconnect right now. College has made me insanely codependent; I've never cared much to overexert socially, and now, when it has been inculcated in me in every possible circumstance, I feel conspicuously lonely whenever I'm not in the same room as someone else.
I've loved being in college, but more and more I begin to question the realism of the way we do college in the United States. And I thought that maybe by the end of the year something would have convinced me that it was worth it. I am glad, for the new kinds of people I have met and the new kinds of self I have explored and the amazing new experiences I have had, that I went out of state. And I'd hate to think that some of my family's pessimism, especially about out-of-state tuition, is trickling down, but a pragmatic cost-benefit assessment still fails to convince me.
I kind of want to use this summer for some insane self-improvement. Self-upheaval. Run every day in the morning, no matter how little sleep I got the night before. Read lots of books. Work a second job, and volunteer. Hang out with my sister.
Figure out where G and I stand and not turn it into a tragic sort of love that hinges only on those big decisions and long-distance idealization. I have to say that, as hard as it's been, it's been so nice having a friend I can call every day who is well removed. Or even someone I feel this connected to, I don't know what I would do if we weren't.
This codependency thing, its so scary, but it's probably good somewhere along the line? Even though sometimes I think it's just a codependency without substantial enough relationships. Nothing will still ever hold a candle to how I am connected with my friends back home, but then again I never realized how much sheer time that was.
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