Girl Tells It Like It Is

2012-01-07T12:06:00.000-08:00

Tired delirium, and I'm feeling lost and inadequate. Nothing I do at home is ever good enough, but who holds the purse strings here anyway?
I can't be honest with my family, and so our relationships have disintegrated... Or at least, every day it becomes more visible.
I love my little sister and I've loved growing much closer to her over break. I will miss her so much.
I need to start and finish some sort of project with implications and completely propelled by self-motivation; because I feel at a loss as to what I am going to do this summer, this coming semester, the rest of my life.
A ton of the things I want to apply to for this summer (REU positions, for instance) require letters of recommendation from faculty members who 'know me well'.
Ok, so this isn't fucking high school. Most of my classes were in giant lecture halls where my professor sure as hell didn't know I existed as an individual, no matter how well I performed in their class. Not so sure if that will even change come next year's application deadlines. And I feel like a right fool asking, anyway...

2011-10-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

This is the week from hell, but I'm knocking it out one day at a time...trying not to let it get to me.
Had my first midterm today. Astrophysics. It felt easier than it should have, excepting the purely conceptual questions (ok dude, I clearly remember a student asking if there would be any conceptual questions on the test and you saying no. wtf?)
Tomorrow I have neuro and then I have to spend the time before my next class (two and a half hour history seminar, nbd) doing the reading for said class.
I LOVE my neuroscience class. (the subject in general, really). Kind of a longer term goal for me regarding this course is doing well enough that I might possibly get into my professor's lab.
He even does research on the coolest fucking neurotransmitter there is. Yeah I'm talkin bout you, serotonin.
(Ok, the week is getting to me a little bit)
This is kind of my relaxation moment though. My science-intensive course load this semester does not necessitate any legitimate writing...so I'm trying to keep doing it in my spare time.
Definitely anticipating a second semester with some more history, philosophy, and literature classes.
But I really am happy with the classes I chose this semester, even though the workload is a bit overwhelming.
Once I get past the hell that will be Wednesday, I'm basically done giving a shit for the week; and then my unit of G is coming Friday night :)
I do feel a little weird that he'll be coming here when no one else will be on campus, but it should be insanely relaxing and sweet in those respects. Some of my closer friends will be staying, in any case. People legitimately waiting to meet him (do I really talk about him that much? I never realized how big a part of me he had become until I left)
No pun intended ;)
I dunno when you'll next come by here, my busy little biddy, but I miss you Ruthie girl! And now that I live in your gd state we better be seeing each other more often.

Virginia, here I come baby

2011-08-18T13:09:00.000-07:00

The weirdest thing to think about is the progression of days, and how much is going to change, say....forty-eight hours from now.
I want to be really good at encapsulating my thoughts, because the surge of emotion this week has been unbearable, stressful, and disarming. I'm already pulling away from all the people I love excepting G, because it makes it easier that way. I am not good at keeping in touch with best friends, despite the amount they mean to me, despite the fact that they are my family more than my blood family will ever be. I consider it a survival instinct, and a generally useful one at that. But it isn't necessarily healthy, and I owe it to myself and them to not be a jackass.
Fighting with my family a lot this week. I guess its kind of expected, tensions are high. Also, conversely, unexpectedly, and awesomely, getting closer to my little sister. We have been stenciling and spray painting all week. Playing cards together, watching music videos, it's super cute but also super sad because I just realize how late this bonding is happening and how much we will actually miss each other; not something I otherwise anticipated. I hope we don't lose it and grow distant. And I hope the same for my other family.
I can't employ that tactic on G if we actually want this to work. I'm still so in love, and so apprehensive about the emotional codependency. Because, as expected, we've gotten way more attached in this last week. I mean, it will kind of be a shock not to see him at all for the first week or whatever. But I really am so excited for all the opportunities yet to come, and determined to immerse my emotions in UVA so that I don't have the time or energy to miss him.
I just finished Lolita, by Nabokov, Certainly it ranks now among my favorite books, if not topping the list entirely; what a beautiful 'romance' Vladimir Nabokov had with the English language; I think that his position as a connoisseur of other European languages contributed greatly to the magic and artistry in his English prose. Beautiful, rich, words that you devour and taste all at the same time. He creates literally painful beauty with his little nuances. Amazingly varied characters. And the most enjoyable, knowledgeable, sad humor I've ever experienced. You need to read Lolita, and I (WE) need to read some of his other works.

Lolita

2011-08-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

'... a destiny in the making is, believe me, not one of those honest mystery stories where all you have to do is keep an eye on the clues.'
- Vladimir Nabokov

2011-08-06T13:07:00.001-07:00

The Associated Press was allowed into North Korea to take photographs. Holy shit; it’s so interesting to me that they have, or at least try to facilitate with as much normalcy as possible, the same amenities and attractions that other Asian and Western nations foster, such as amusement parks and hiking trails to mountains. The wealth disparity is considerable, but what I wonder about most is the state of adolescent North Koreans. For instance, where do they attend university? And how easily is exit granted to students who wish to study further, in international institutions? And what is the quality of North Korean institutions, educational or otherwise, because would this not be compromised by their sheer isolated nature? It seems to me that the inhibited access to outside models would impede advancement or the pursuit of perfection, and that the compensatory uniqueness that the North Korean premier would seek for his institutions would render them useless in a greater global context; not that this fact is relevant either, seeing as citizens cannot leave the country.

But honestly, looking at the amusement park rides featured in the photos, for instance, the outside contact which would have been required for the North Koreans to replicate the Western-contrived ‘rocket’ rides, for instance, is indicative of a fundamental anomaly underlying the North Korean system; for in these creations they seem to be pandering to their populace to keep them happy, thereby indirectly supplying them with Western consumer goods.

Hookah

2011-08-04T08:10:00.000-07:00

Dude. You have no idea, I am so happy about my new hookah!

Gordon and I used a rootbeer jug from the Pi for the base. We got a rubber stopper that was an airtight fit in the jug, and he drilled two three-eighth inch diameter holes through the stopper. Through one of the holes we fit a copper tube, about a foot long, to be the stem. In the other one - now this is the REALLY cool part - we got a t-shaped short drainpipe, and fed the bottom part of the t into the hole. With the other two parts of the t we made a double-hose attachment piece; which is awesome. Almost no homemade hookahs have double hoses :D. We bought a light blue ceramic bowl for it, and a few extra rubber washers to make everything fit together more perfectly. When we tried it out yesterday, the smoke was super thick, better even than molly and miles' professionally-made hookahs. And it's really cool being able to see the smoke through the clear plastic tubes we're using as hoses.

Now all I need is an ash catcher. It hits amazingly; I'm so psyched!

This Blog

2011-07-27T18:17:00.000-07:00

It's odd, the permanence of this blog in my life the past six years is nice; to connect my past to my present, and dream about my future. Very reassuring that everything powerful is stored somewhere, but forgettable if I ever must.

Today Gordon and I broke the tension surrounding the 'going away' conversation; it was pretty hilarious because both of us have, in all honestly, quite easily been able to tell when the thought crosses the other's mind....for the past five months of us. I mean, it was evidence enough that after a bit of a silence trying to muster up the courage to broach the subject, I turned to him and said 'So what do you want to do about...that?' and he immediately understood, turning my question back on me.

It went as expected, the world was again sweet with relief. But I don't think he understands...or at least, wants to acknowledge... the pain this will entail. Not that I know the progression of emotion beyond our first few days, but when I was at orientation calling him, I hurt like a bitch and so did he. It'll be okay. We live to learn.

2011-07-22T18:52:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVwEo9YE_EI

;)

2011-07-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

I watched Fight Club the day before yesterday, and I almost feel like it presents the sole instance in which i wish I'd seen the movie before reading the book. Because having read the book ruined all the surprises for me. And it didn't present that badass shock factor that everyone else gets when they first watch it.
I'm gonna get a tatt, a cheetah in black outline, small, just below my left rib cage. Elegant, perching, I'm almost thinking of getting the pose of the cheetah in the wikipedia article; it's gorgeous. I only wish I could actually justify that kind of retarded splurge with a steady income...But I'm definitely planning to work once I get to UVA.
Only a month now, I'm scared for everything that's getting torn and lost here. Tori was worried, at the end of the school year, about the complete disintegration of our friendship when I went off to college. But I have only seen her three times this summer so far, and I mean, we both have time priorities, she's working a lot; I have, even though I'm eighteen, yet to gain a grip on independence in my parents eyes and I'm still sneaking out three or four nights a week, why is this happening.
My mother's mental state is on the fucking edge. Pretty sure I (finally?) heard my dad meekly suggest a psych visit, to which she responded with much bitching and moaning....not overtly because of the demeaning nature of the suggestion, but because 'she simply doesn't have time'; tell me, mum, how can you claim to be so bored of your life and yet not have the time to seek a change?
My family, living with them, feels like a pathetic masquerade that has finally been revealed. The tent has been pulled, it's billowing down slowly, and i want to escape before I'm trapped under the settled mass of loss and insecurity. They never grew up, in so many ways. And I feel like emotionally I've come to terms with the bullshit of growing up under their rigid uncertainty, and learned to grow beyond it.
But I almost wish I was the fuck away from it all right now. Wish I'd decided to take my full ride plus stipend at the U, moved out and had a job.
No regrets, but they're pushing it. I'm scared for my sister. This summer I've been trying to...halfheartedly, I must admit...build something of a relationship with her. Because when I'm gone, my mom's pent up anger and despair have got to go somewhere.
And I'm sure she won't remotely miss me, in so many words, but she will feel unsettled, and it's coming out somewhere. Please stop emotionally manipulating my little sister. I see her going through the same shit I went through and handling it with less resilience.

2011-07-12T08:12:00.000-07:00

Is someone gonna come knock on my door and say 'hey, kid, it's time for you to grow up!'?
This life is like a dream. Endless and sweet and completely unreal. I pinch myself and the sun is still setting, blinding, shooting veins of color into the giant, dark rain cloud encompassing it. I pinch myself and I'm still smoking hookah with my best friends of... six years; the longest I've had from the switching schools bs when i was younger. I pinch myself and I'm watching G watch a movie with, to steal a line from miss Hurston, self-crushing love. I pinch myself and this awesome Ruthie girl I met in sixth grade is going to be my best friend for the rest of my life; God set this shit down in stone for us ;)
My summer reading list:
1. Genome - finished. Awesome (nonfic)
2. White Teeth, by Zadie Smith - finished. You should definitely read it. Not very plot focused, more character focused, but awesome writing.
3. Fight Club - finished
4. Dune - started
5. Galileo's Daughter
6. Papillon
7. A clockwork orange
8. The Dodo
9. Jazz
10. poetry..... (you should definitely make some suggestions)
11. Desert solitaire
RECOMMEND?

Camping

2011-07-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

Camping was amazing.
We started driving friday afternoon, camped out at this little spot annie and drew knew just inside the far reaches of capitol reef. Tons of little bitey bugs, but that was the compromise for camping by a cold, beautiful meander of the green river. When Gordon and I were setting up the tent, a part of one of the poles snapped. And we were able to wrap it in athletic tape from a first aid kit to makeshift for the night, but later it came to be a problem.
That first night was divine, though. Small animals skittered around in the bushes as the sunset dissolved rapidly into a clear, brilliant night sky; almost an eery effect. The sandy apple-chicken sausages were nevertheless delicious. I laid on Gordon's chest and he wrapped his arms around me to keep me warm, and Annie and I pointed out constellations to the noobs, all four of us making up a fair few as well :) But whatever, constellations are, for a large part, sketchy in their own right. If you know what I'm sayin.
Woke up the next morning to birds and Annie stirring into the clear, intense morning sunlight that you only ever see in the desert. Also, loved rolling over to Gordy's sweet face. Stared at him until he felt my eyes and woke up; he's a light sleeper. Apparently it was welcome; I saved him from a bad dream.
We went hiking and then swimming at this awesome natural swimming hole with a waterfall. Battling the current to get closer to the waterfall was exhausting and so fulfilling.
Drove to Bryce; the astronomy festival was a-fucking-mazing. We all filled up flasks, took a couple shots before, and then headed into the solid, thick darkness to see crazy awesome shit. Got steadily drunker and more raucous but could hardly feel it for the cold. Gordon drunk is hilarious, but there's something a little frightening about him losing control. Just in the sense that I'm not used to it. It's interesting, I suppose..
The next morning we hiked an intense trail; the navajo loop. Bryce canyon is gorgeous as all fuck. Rolling pastel red and white hills giving way to vast, purple mesas and valleys in the distance. Trip to Goblin Valley afterwards; backcountry camping fail when the wind blew and the broken tent pole ripped through. Annie and I saved the day by flirting with the ranger for his tent and getting a sheltered campsite. The bugs bit nasty; G and I slept outside. But it was such a warm, lovely night. Smoking flavored cigars and downing the remainder of the grand marinier. He smoked so much weed that he was giggling, literally giggling. Drew got a little high too, which was hilarious.
It was amazing. Freeing. I love camping, I love friends. Swimming holes rock, so does hiking.

2011-06-08T18:35:00.001-07:00

tomorrow, I graduate. :)
The only thing that has struck me so far, is how porous and, simultaneously, fluid time is.
Its like the water in the bathtub when you're little. You grab big, eager fistfuls of it, and then it all seeps through the spaces in your fingers, and away into oblivion, indistinguishable.
And you try to suck out every last breath, but sometimes it's also so, for lack of a better word, porous.
When we were more sheltered, more simply pleased, everything moved so much more slowly.
This time thing, it scares the living shit out of me. So much so that if I ever stop to think or look around, I feel like I'm going to start crying. But packing every second, though it leaves us breathless, just pours it away faster. Every second, like bright green cats;-eye marbles pouring out in a jumbling, clicking cascade. Undocumentable, unfathomable.

2011-05-20T20:18:00.000-07:00

This week from hell:
My brand new birthday cartilage piercing got infected. Tori's dad, a doctor, had to tool it out. It's all healed, but I drove up to her house in a delirious haze of sleeplessness, spending my night in a backseat up at 11th ave while the earring was slowly and painfully engulfed.
My grades are fucked. Today, I went in to negotiate with the teacher I thought would be most agreeable, and she was pissed. So pissed. The unreasonable teacher was, converseley, very reasonable.
I got caught sneaking out last night.
On Wednesday morning, I got a ticket for "running a stop sign". Ninety fucking dollars. I can pay it, but....
Haven't told my parents yet.
So emotionally exhausted. I'm a sliver away from breaking down in tears.
This would have been a night I would have inevitably otherwise have spent sneaking out, partying my ass off, and then with Gordon.
I feel so thrown off, so left out.
I don't even want to know anymore. I want to cry, have a nice, numbing drink, and then figure out a way to fix everything.

2011-05-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

T - I can't be your boyfriend, or your only emotional support.
I will, however, do everything I can.
G - you're stunning. your rich clean boy smell is intoxicating. your waffles were yummy.
T - I respect your people skills

I don't want everyone's personal sadness to get contagious or something. In part, I'm tired of mopping people up and I'm pissed off that he tells me what I want to hear more than shocking me out of unnecessary emotional extremes by putting me back in my place.

2011-04-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

Guess I'm rather unwise... My throat is killer sore, my lymph nodes are giant, I have a fever, my neck muscles are seized up, and I'm sneaking out in like ten minutes to chill with a GINGEY.
He's really, really special though. He has a golden heart. I've never met someone with such a fundamental sense of kindness. It makes up for the whole thing where he deals weed on the side... ;)
Yesterday, we chased an ice cream truck. We made out in the grass and watched clouds float by. Last weekend, he held my hair for three hours when I tweaked and barfed. He stayed up to watch my breathing. I saw the snow falling, quiet but so unsettling, around 2 a.m. We left around 5 so i wouldn't get caught, he shoveled snow off his car while I sat inside with the heat.. His face was so cold and surprised when he came back in and I pulled him into a hug; it's studly, I don't even know.
I'm happy in a buoyant way, the first time we kiss each new day all my nerves shiver a little bit.

2011-03-29T20:40:00.000-07:00

I've learned that the less you invest the less you stand to lose
I'm scared that I've squandered time and I don't push myself hard or far enough.
Before I head off to college, I need to prove it to myself.

Psychoanalyzing Ghaddafi

2011-03-28T19:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/29/science/29psych.html?ref=world

Escuela

2011-03-22T20:26:00.000-07:00

School:
U of U: Accepted. Full ride plus 500 dollars/semester stipend
Tulane: Waitlisted
UChicago: Waitlisted
University of Washington: Accepted. No money for out-of-staters
Rice: Waitlisted...
Berkeley: Accepted
Pomona: Waitlisted
Carnegie-Mellon: Accepted
UVA: Accepted
Cornell: Rejected
UPenn: Rejected

Word.
I have narrowed it down to deciding between Berkeley, U-W, and UVA.

2011-03-06T20:20:00.000-08:00

I mean, I forgot how much I loved you until this dull ache started
Way down somewhere deep, in between a tickly place and a gut-wrenching scream
The sick giddiness you get when you hear horrifying stories of women going into labor for forty hours
The lake, smooth, placid, and ink-black
Reflects the sleek white towers of the oil refinery, spewing
Steady curls of steam and
Flames billowing from steep, steel spouts
Quiet across the water, in spreading golden streaks.
She bounced outside with a cigarette pressed against her lips
Begging the last bits out of it with every
Cold, shuddering breath.
The moisture and salt stuck in our lungs
We danced in the headlights, dim and yellow in a semicircle
Before the closed gates, like maddened convicts
Our hair spilling in the wind
Screams stopping five feet away in the
Thick, moist air.
I watched you, while you closed your eyes against
The fairy-lit hill, silhouetting your pretty, dark head.

2011-02-28T19:28:00.000-08:00

Eric, I miss being your best friend... I miss you.
This sucks.

2011-02-17T20:21:00.000-08:00

Christ, this math is SO boring! Like, who even decided I needed to learn series, anyway? This homework is so goddamn tedious. Why can't she strategically choose problems?
I'm pretty bored....and miserably failing at this school thing.
Textsfromlastnight is good. Urban dictionary helps, too.

Senioritis: Senioritis is a disease that affects all high school seniors. For most people it starts in the second semester of the senior year. Symptoms for the disease include: Unsafe sex, many beer bongs, getting arrested, showing up to school extremely high, drawing a five foot penis on the chalkboard, and telling you teacher she looks like an old crack whore. The only way to get over this disease is to walk the stage at graduation, or punch your principal in the cock.

IB:

A.K.A. International Baccalaureate - A malicious program aimed at the unnaturally brighter population in an attempt to overload their brains, thus reducing them to vegetables without lives. However, a true IB student will respond by adapting and bsing their way through.

IB, therefore I BS.

IB - Teaching students how to turn shit into gold!

Yesterday on a bit of a whim I went with Maddie to volunteer at the humane society, walking puppies (SO GODDAMN CUTE, MADE MY DAY). Today, went back with Molly and Peter to cuddle baby puppies and play with cats.
I've quit NHS, but I I'm going to get a steady volunteer position at the humane society. Because them little animals are daaamn cute.

2011-02-15T18:24:00.000-08:00

I kind of feel bad because I've been really distant with Tori recently. But she's been getting on my nerves... Its expected because by now I know her really well. But just...I feel like I can't call her out on the things that irk me, because she's not the kind of person who really ever gets called out. She's too simple, genuine, and down-to-earth to warrant criticism from people who don't know her as deeply as i do.
But right now, I dunno... her over-sappiness is getting on my nerves. Her taking advantage of me is, too - its my car, not our car, you don't get to use it every time you forget your homework. And yesterday, she even asked me if she could take it to go drive somewhere pretty with Avonte and Johnathan, promising me a full tank "somewhere in the future". No. No. no.
And yes, you are a fantastic dancer and I love watching you; but stop talking about it! It's just over-discussed and annoying; not that she brags, just that she over-mashes her schedules into me and all...its like, I never talk about myself or my daily activities in that much depth, because it's not in my nature, and I am aware, unlike her, that it bores the fuck out of people after an extent. I like that everything's on the surface with her, but she has no tact whatsoever and it is really fucking annoying the majority of the time.
Then that whole blatant flirting with eric thing; not cool. Right now I'm trying to fall out of love with him and jealousy is the last thing I need. Just because you are thoroughly incompetent in relations with boys and people you're into doesn't mean you get to snatch up the easiest person for you to talk to and bat your eyes at him. She's literally using the same flirting tricks I used to get him and other guys; the same exact teasing jibes, eye tricks, facial expressions. she's been watching and learning, which I'd be proud of if she applied them to other people; but my very latest guy? No fucking way.
Stop trying to get me to sluff. Stop telling me I work too hard. And work on your tact, because its really fucking flattering when you call me and say "sooo, I'm calling because I'm bored because I have to wait 30 minutes until dance"; I actually do have a life and things to do, and I don't exist to entertain or assuage you when you have nothing better to do.
Don't expect me to hang out with you every time we have an overlapping free period (every. other. fucking. day). I like being alone sometimes. And after a while we, like anyone, run out of things to talk about and you dig up random weird shit that I don't want to talk about.
How do i tell you all this? Because I don't want to have you act weird toward me; I know if i tell you any of this you will completely pull away, and that I can't handle, love you too much.
Bah.

2011-02-07T17:48:00.000-08:00

tired tired tired tired
Been busy, but also the last four or five days I've been suffering from this horrible, inexplicable insomnia. I'll lay there for hours upon hours before I drift off into nightmares, and then wake up and am unable to fall asleep again.
Lack of sleep is making me look ...damaged...and chalky, so then my skin has weird undertones that make me look greenish!
Asked Eric to the v-day dance, which is this saturday. Our group is full of beautiful boys and great friends; I'm pretty sure it will be a blast. At the moment its the only exciting beacon hovering anywhere in the periphery of my life.
What I realized is not that friends have become mundane but that they have become this vital, expected part of my life, to the point that I have a painful codependency on many of em.
More running these days. I've realized that, while I am forced indoors onto the treadmill at least (snow and inversion) the radio is a good motivator; funny ads are distracting, as are the anticipation of the unknown next song and the kick I get when a good one comes on.
I dunno what it's going to be like to make it through this second semester. I've realized I like the good things in life; good food, long walks, running, studying history, math, reading, relaxing with friends, watching movies with my sister; more than other more constructive activities, like getting a job or running spring track. I had about a one week meltdown where I decided my life was falling apart because of my rapidly crumbling motivation (my Korean friend who's way too motivated for her own good didn't help my case much, saying that 'it wasn't too late for me to get my shit together').
I mean, yeah, my procrastination has effectively bitten me in the ass (WuStL withdrew my application because I was too late in sending my ACT/SAT scores....there goes a wasted application fee. :( ..) But by no means is my life falling apart. I'm happy with what I've got. I'm blessed. I work hard where it matters and where I love it. I've chosen my goals and some way or the other I'll scrounge up some motivation to get it done.
Right now it's precarious, because I'm thoroughly unmotivated. Attending school is effectively me working the system to its edges, through every loophole, to the point that I sluffed at least one class every day of last week. But I apply myself in history and in math, which are my only legitimate classes right now. In English, I find that the literary analyses that I bullshit on the spot are far higher quality than most of the other nonsense the other kids who hate reading come up with. I love what we've been reading this year, but the teacher is a jooooke. She tries, but she just doesn't tell me anything I don't already know. Sparknotes is my BFFL.
I miss you

2011-01-17T19:25:00.000-08:00

God hates me or something. I choose them soooo fucking well.
When I was first getting to know him, he clung to my every word, met me every day after second period, started every fb convo with me, answered my texts within seconds and never NEVER let a conversation die out.
With the progressing weeks, he's growing distant. Nowadays, i am lucky if he even bothers to answer a text. I've been more distant if anything, not clingy (I hope..?) because of not having a car and being super busy. I don't know why or how it happened; my only explanation is that his initial feelings weren't solid, either. But from the things he said after; the repeated "i still like you"s.. i never got that vibe...

I dont get it
As the younger one isnt he supposed to like me more? Do i just choose them shittily or is there some internal flaw here??
FML
:( :( :(

A Hospital Program to end violence

2011-01-16T15:59:00.000-08:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/13/health/13chen.html?pagewanted=1&ref=health

2011-01-16T14:57:00.000-08:00

So, I'm retarded and completely disorganized and definitely missed the scholarship application deadline for all of Washington University's Merit-Based Scholarships.
But, looking back on my highschool life, a lot of said scholarships wanted me to discuss all the amazing community service work I have engaged in; which I really haven't. Last year, I did a couple solid months regularly volunteering at the Neighborhood House, and I did a few scattered NHS hours here and there, but that's about it. And I quit NHS this year, for all intents and purposes, because it feels like such a load of bullshit.

I enjoy volunteering; don't get me wrong. It just seems that one thing or another always gets in the way of me ever really committing to a project; usually a sport, lotsa schoolwork, sometimes a guy (pathetique). As of now, I (STILL) don't have my car and, not to be a total douche or whatever, but it's much too late for any of what I might do to count towards college admissions or scholarships.
To be honest, I only know one or two people who genuinely volunteer because it's just part of their nature; because they're just really warm-hearted and generous inherently.
In happier news, AJ and I kicked so much ass at BYU MUN yesterday. And Victor and I certainly weren't the first MUN presidents to disappoint; we brought home our rightful glass plaque, and even an additional country award for our not-stacked country. I am so proud of our little MUN noob babies. Yesterday was brilliant. AJ and I had some pretty rich conversations in committee down-time, and i even began to succeed in convincing him not to go to BYU next year (he is mormon, but rather cool and open-minded..as such I don't want him to be completely brainwashed).
I'm also getting rather concerned because another sophomore (an MUN baby) has been hitting on me like fucking crazy. So blatantly that I'm getting comments from everyone around me, including Ms. Nick. He kind of almost kissed me yesterday. I don't know if my cougar reputation has made itself known or something, but it's a hard place to be because a) the kid in question is uber pretty b) Eric doesn't want an official girlfriend, while I do feel like I'm ready for that step c) I could potentially be a whoribble person and play one off the other and coerce something to materialize, but I wont! of course not!
Pure frustrated speculation, that's all....
I definitely want a job. And if I am going to run that half-marathon with Mimi in April, I really should start diligently training. I've had weird restless intermittent motivation which compells me to run on the treadmill a couple times a week, but I'm more deterred because running on the treadmill is BORING and the air quality currently sucks so badly that I can't feasibly run outside (THANKS INVERSION).
I might get to ski more this year because now that my sister is at Bonneville, she'll be going up every friday; and every other friday will be a red day, where I will have an extra free period come next semester, so I might accompany my dad up there (he like...volunteered to chaperone the ski trips or something) to ski with her once in a while.
Tonight, we are planning to order takeout and watch the entirety of the Golden Globes.
I love attractive people in pretty designer clothing; at least on TV, twice a year.

Snowwww

2011-01-09T14:05:00.000-08:00

I get my baby back on Monday Night!
I'm so happy. It was really rather shitty not having my car this past week...how did I ever manage before her?
I am going to treat her with so much more respect now. Like, reverence when I sit behind the wheel, because now I know how much it sucks to crash into things.
I went stir-crazy this weekend, but I managed to make it nice. Watched dark knight for the first time yesterday, with tori. Went on a walk through the woods with Molly today; it has snowed and the world is so beautiful right now. Wowwwwzzza
Unaccustomed Earth is addictive, so I re-devoured it in two days; but it def left me depressed. Beautifully written and rather heavy in tone.
Tomorrow, we submit our extended essays (yikes). Whatever, I haven't changed it from the first draft, but a pass is all I'm aiming for as of now.
Craving butternut squash soup.
New loves: lay me down: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnuEOYK1Kps
Red red wine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXt56MB-3vc

2011-01-06T21:05:00.000-08:00

I press my index and thumb into my eyeballs
Screw them in until colors explode on the
black canvas of the weary flesh
Stretching gritty betweeen my temples.

Careening, wrenching pain trickles into my
limbs and extremities; creeping out to my pores
We sit at cold, marble desks in a cheerful little circle
His eyes touch me fearfully in little darts
My mind tunnels to my limbs, my hair
My pale, jet-lagged visage

As we leave though the wide, glossy marbled hall
Which reflects all sorts of light, in morning mirages
He throws back a long look; lost and pained and
vomit-worthy.

I squirm under the duress of
your elusive caress
Your gaze strokes me
sweetly
With removed self-control
Far beyond your slender shoulders and
Soft, warm cheeks.
I cannot get closer;

You possess my own elusive
patience and co-dependence
In cleanly poured concrete.

You learned this, when I was penning little words
And exploring dark places in books
And in my head.

She screams into my ear;
It's fuzzy with the alcohol
The room spins; some impenetrable force holds my limbs
A marionette for the only one
I sought to impress,
Whose eyes, painfully absent
follow any smile;
quivering lips
but my own

In those dancing, marbled halls,
his gaze flicks distractedly
While I work every muscle of my plaintive
charisma
To stroke the light in his eyes.

Into the shimmering, flowing lights of vodka and Allegra
The glowing greens of shivering leaves through hot, swollen eyes
looking anywhere but behind;
You possess the painless life
light and lost
in something you will simply never
care to understand.

2010-12-30T20:45:00.000-08:00

The funny ginger tow truck driver and i became best friends on our ride up to Craig's shop. He was hilarious, so carefree. He told me I was awesome for being chill about it. I told him the whole story, about how I'd lied that I was going to the library and instead went and got Eric, and he laughed so raucously and thought I was great fun...'huntin boys' when i shouldn't even have been driving. He told me about all the crazy things he's done with cars; rolled two, jumped a snowbank, parked one while drunk, in the fog, on the front lawn of the office building on 5th south and state, drag raced with vodka and frequent chinese fire-drills, with a topless girl and a "jacuzzi" (water) in the back of his car. Gotten pulled over and acted like a smartass each time.
I told him how i had had it all completely under control until I called my dad; he immediately yelled at me, and then i started crying. He asked about damage before he asked if I was hurt. Literally.
But the tow truck guy made me feel much better. And at the end of the ride, he literally saved my ass in front of my dad. I got out of the tow truck, my dad started yelling at me, and he immediately cut in, saying "You have an amazing little girl. She hit some black ice up there and lost control. She's only been driving for one year, 17 years old, and she handled that skid amazingly well. She could have driven off the cliff on the other side, and given the circumstances it went so much better than it could have. You should be proud of her."
(It wasn't black ice, as far as I can remember... but it was a lot of icy snow. I over-corrected, but if i had corrected my over-correction, I would have tumbled over the cliff into city creek canyon.)

"Hey, next time, you don't drive to him [Eric]; youre the woman, make him come down to you, and of course he will say okay! He has to."
I said "Thank you for that, for telling my dad that"
"I had to step in - when I saw him startin to yell at you like that. And you know, what I said about you was true."
I smiled
"I was trained, not raised. Five sisters"
Friends make the world go around. Even though when i came home, all my mother had to say to me was "You go here and there to see your friends, but are they going to take care of you when you skid and wreck your car? What use are those friends now?"
I couldnt tell her of this amazing, ironic example. But she will never know, because friendship is something crazy bitchwhores can't quite attain.
I never asked his name...:(

2010-12-27T09:09:00.000-08:00

'I thought of the abundance, of the simplicity of the poems, and said, "in your country is there much propagandist writing, much criticism? We have to do so much, especially in my own country, that our minds gradually cease to be creative, and yet we cannot help it. If our life was not a continual warfare, we would not have taste, we would not know what is good, we would not find hearers and readers. Four-fifths of our energy is spent in the quarrel with bad taste, whether in our own minds or in the minds of others."'
-- W.B. Yeats, preface to Gitanjali by Rabindranath Tagore

Black Swan

2010-12-26T18:59:00.000-08:00

This has been one of the weirder days I've had. It feels completely off; like i just want to sleep it off and wake up to a new day because everything feels wrong.
Tori and I took Mosey for a walk, and we literally ran into a dead deer lying on the side of the road, half open, completely disgusting. Then my socks got completely soaked through the holes in my boots. Eric didn't answer my last text. He literally never doesn't answer, and I'm worrying because he has been taking a long time and giving really abrupt answers with other things; second thoughts from the other side? would be like the story of my life.
There was horrible weird tension between Tori and I today. Sometimes when we hang out it starts like that but it thaws within like twenty minutes tops. Today it stayed weird. She was acting completely off-kilter. Her mind was elsewhere. I felt inadequate. There was a weird touchiness and tension and almost competitive edge between us.
Then we watched Black Swan and that movie is.. brilliant but completely wack, and it fucked me up.
More tension driving her back home.
On my way to my house, my car started randomly swerving. So I pulled over but nothing was wrong with the wheels. It kept happening, but more subtly.
The stars are out but I'm sitting here freezing and exhausted. My eyes feel so gritty from lack of sleep. My body is constantly starving. I just want to sleep into a new day, where everything will be good again.
I don't like this day. Not one bit.

Happy Christmas Eve!

2010-12-24T20:53:00.000-08:00

- I'm experiencing some severe cognitive dissonance over this kid. It makes me a hypocrite, but despite the fact that i loooove him, there are just a few little things
Its not just age; age alone means nothing to me.
It's that he is such a baby.
Nothing that tangibly irks me, in all honesty, just a little unsettling nonsense like;
No one has told his brother, but AJ certainly knows. Not that he seems to be reacting badly, yesterday when I dropped by their house to give eric his present, I ran into AJ pulling into their driveway. He got out and said 'Oh, HI Kamala' with so much laughter under his voice that I burst out laughing too. And he looks at me with this knowing smirk and when eric showed up with his way-too-cute ear to ear smile and twinkling sleek eyes aj had a rather sardonic expression on his face.
AJ has kind of started to grow out of gossiping, and I shouldn't care what anyone thinks of me; and I don't, but I really haate highschool and highschool drama and I know aj enough that he just freely talks about most things, and this recent ( in his eyes both perplexing and hilaaaaarious) development between me and his brother would be one of the first things to pop out of his mouth.
Also, it's always really fun hanging out with the two of them together, but also really weird because Eric starts acting like the bratty younger sibling and the two of them juxtaposed just exacerbates aj's sheer hotness (hmm, he's ACTUALLY my age) and eric's soft-featured, adorable cuteness.
At least schmeric is taller.
We click like no other. It's fun

I'm happy
Busy; the parents are back so I have actual structure reimposed on my life, which will be completely integral if i actually want to finish these college applications.
And the huge pile of christmas-break homework that I kind of shoved in a corner to make my life seem easier.
These past few days were a party, but I have to buckle down.
My family is dysfunctional and horrible and exhausting and wreaks utter havoc on my nerves (don't I sound like an old lady?!), but I just realized how thankful I have to be that they have provided me with hot food, a warm, safe shelter, and some structure in my life, for all these years.
Otherwise, I'd never get anything done.
They're not great parents, and some of my friends have absolutely great parents, but at least they are here feed me and have some concern for me.

Happy Christmas, Roofie! I love you. You are such a brilliant and amazing human being, beautiful from the inside out; not to be a cheese-monger, but it's quite true.

2010-12-23T18:18:00.000-08:00

It's funny how these things work out....
Also, it's just hilarious how escapist I am. Not touched college apps or homework today, but there was just so much other stuff. And I feel horrible for not having my priorities straight...
Except not really?
I don't know.

Clean air starlight

2010-12-13T19:34:00.000-08:00

I am tired like I'm going to cave in.
This weekend was great. Hung out with torcat and baby robinson.
Trying to give him a fauxhawk which his little (6 foot) frame so completely deserves; he held his hands up flat in front of him to deter us, so I simply put my palm against his, laced our fingers and clasped his hand,
and his eyes widened and he molded back to my fingers and, out of shock, kind of just succumbed to my restraint (at least momentarily).
I let him fix my eyeliner and the brat obviously took the liberty to cake it on, i had my eyes closed but could feel him sweeping it all the way to my temples.
I guess I didn't stop him because some things you just have to let happen because you know they will be funny, in retrospect.
Last night, I snuck out and went for a night walk with Molly. It was lovely, the inversion has been washed out and we could see every star; literally every star. Even with all the christmas light pollution, i was able to see a shooting star!
A stray cat followed us for a few blocks. He was beautiful and so fluffy, with black and white patches. He kept scratching himself against peoples' desert scape garden rocks, so then there was the whole concern that we were petting a flea-infested kitty (or, in Molly's words, bubonic plague).
It was cold; we went to village in and warmed up with cocoa. Got home in the a.m.'s, I'm crashin pretty hard.
This morning, we had a late start, so I had breakfast with Mimi, Molly, and Annie. It really was such deja vu. My UChicago essay was fabricated in part, but this really was the first time the four of us have been together, in quite a while.
Suffice to say, it was fun and so sweet, but rough around the edges.
Its k. four days til break. But then fuck college apps and whatnot.
Mr. Dunn is so goddamn chill.
We need to talk! I'll call you soon.....

2010-12-05T11:11:00.000-08:00

They don't get it; I'm still delirious with exhaustion. I can't function coherently without sleep. I act drunk and senile and do a whole range of stupidass things. So I need to completely compensate for my sleep deficit; im not STORING sleep, im trying to fucking make up for it so i can actually be productive, you retarded parents. As it stands now, I am frequenting facebook and youtube because I sure as helll cant focus on my history homework.
So motherfuckin tired.

Chronicle of an Academic Ghostwriter

2010-11-21T11:10:00.000-08:00

http://chronicle.com/article/article-content/125329/

2010-11-17T20:37:00.000-08:00

1 Highschool burnout
4 Harry Potter Premier tickets
2 Bobby Ray songs
1 Beautiful younger brother
1 Escapist Symphony of
5,000 Cascading voices, emotions, sounds colors
3 Sleepless nights escaping into
1,000,000 other facets of the world
10 Other colors that
you don't see when the sun is up
1 Leonid Meteor shower
14 Days It's been going on
4 a.m. moonset, so I can see it better
1 Cake we have to buy tomorrow
1 Month I haven't seen Molly
1 Highschool tenure I have spent worrying about her
1 Week where I would be nothing more or less than grateful if sleep wouldn't knock me off my feet
Quite so fast
5 severe Caffeine overloads
for no conceivable reason
Make for one
Motherfuckin
Great
Week.
not.

2010-11-16T21:37:00.000-08:00

In a horrible turn of events
- I'm a cougar
- Everyone is excessively petty, evidenced greatly by your own situations. Like seriously? Fucking almost eighteen and they're still being so goddamn petty? What is WRONG with these people?
- I completely bombed the sterling scholar interview. Lets face it, i fucking SUCK at giving interviews. I really really sucked. So much so that it would be funny to watch it on replay.

General Franco

2010-11-16T20:34:00.000-08:00

Francisco Paulino Hermenegildo Teódulo Franco y Bahamonde Salgado Pardo de Andrade

:D HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAH

(IM GOING FUCKING SENILE. I CANT HANDLE CAFFEINE
OR SCHOOLWORK
OR LIFE)

Epigenetics: Genes as Mirrors of Life Experiences

2010-11-08T19:23:00.000-08:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/09/health/09brain.html?_r=1&ref=health

What up

2010-11-06T09:19:00.000-07:00

A car accident?? Holy my god. You should call me when you get time.

Yesterday, I submitted my application for the English Sterling Scholar award; more specifically for Sterling Scholar nomination. I don't actually foresee winning, for a couple reasons: Among other literary geniuses, I'm up against a girl who has a novel in the works of being published with scholastic. (SCHOLASTIC. fuck.) haha. Additionally, as I have been realizing more and more while thinking about college applications, weighted class rankings, and the likes, my grades really don't measure up. The quarters where I lacked motivation and let my dedication slip have actually summed up to impact me by now, and while I am completely satisfied with the work i put in to acheive my unweighted 3.8975, I know that I have always been capable of something considerably higher. The novel girl definitely has a 3.99 or the likes. And Sterling Scholar evaluates both sheer grade-work with writing samples so..Basically I'm screwed in both directions.
(THat's what she said)
At least I'm not as crazy as that chick. No like, she is literally insane. I've become pretty good friends with her because I sit by her in Bio, but she's prettydamn crazy. And, as I recently discovered, a compulsive liar - which I find ironic and possibly conducive to her writing, because stories are, after all, carefully fabricated, extended lies, right? ;).
I concede that she is talented, though. I've read her blog, and her writing style and techniques are just inherently riveting, naturalistic, and overall quite pretty.
We'll see, I guess.
It's beautiful; fall is full swing. The light is orangey and dim and lovely. The trees are exploding into bright colors everywhere. Yesterday, Maddie and I walked down to the river a few blocks away from my house, and found a little path down to its banks. It was so pretty, with all the colors and carpets of yellow leaves. But she dropped her phone into the river, and, like the good person I am, I took my time to laugh for a good two minutes before retrieving it for her (she was wearing heeled boots and would have fallen in). Miraculously, I think it survived.
I miss you

2010-10-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a complete mess
Heart racing and palpitations for three days preceding state
Came to a peak the day of state. About three hours before I had to race, it peaked
98 bpm resting heart rate, where I'm normally around 60
And probably supposed to be lower, at this point.
But it was horrible
Felt light headed while warming up
Completely died during the race but made myself at least finish it out because
It was STATE, after all
I cried so hard
Dad took me to Insta-care. EKG, Chest xray, blood test.
I don't know, wish i could say it's been a long time since I've cried this hard
But a few weeks ago I felt almost as crushed
My father,
I want him to be more involved in my life??
And then when he actually steps in for a second
He fucks up everything I've worked hard for
Like my fucking self esteem and
Sense of balance.

I don't want to be angsty
Today, Mr. Campbell
My coach and art history teacher, a complete asshole and a very inspiring person
Basically told us how our generation is absorbed with being angsty
And doesn't push ourselves nearly hard enough.
We sit on our asses, we are balls of potential who
don't start rolling.
We are too scared and unassertive to be brilliant
It's something we have to work for,
even though this whole idea of innateness and
Democracy
has 'taken the rest of us so far'.
We can be faster if we want to
Stronger
Smarter
Better at everything
If we are just willing to subject ourselves to discomfort once in a while.

God. God. God. God. God. Shit.
There are few people who make me better, and not worse right now.

Holy mind blow

2010-09-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/14/health/14gene.html?ref=health

2010-09-10T19:29:00.001-07:00

So far, so good
-Tuesday night, suuuper fun team night, owned everyone at ping pong ;). "hung out" with my boy, in the least classy circumstances POSSIBLE but hey, it was enjoyable enough.
- Today, I PRed at our XC invitational! kicked ass, it was awesome. finished third for west's girls varsity :)
- national merit scholar semifinalist :)

So thats good. I'm happy. But I'm drowning in schoolwork, sucking at harnessing motivation for biology, and the whole college thing? yeah... funny story. FUCK.
whatever, ride the highs, bear through the lows, i guess.
I've been desensitized to players, at least as far as he is concerned. could fare badly in the future, but ah, well...its highschool....'fight it, fuck it, its all the same'
whoop sublime.
BYE

p.s. I ran with magic in my head, because at the starting line one of the boys was blasting it over ipod speakers. its a good song for pacing? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cq-NShfefks

caffeinated

2010-08-20T05:44:00.000-07:00

The sun here is blue, a bright, quivering, blazing blue teardrop, because all the yellow is scattered and muffled by layers of thick clouds. The cows have owners, and healthy, glossy glows to them. They dociley stop traffic and graze out of dumpsters. In the early mornings, you can hear the birds and the crickets raising cain in their limited period of solitude. When i run in the mornings, the sunlight spreads slowly over the Chamundi temple hill, like drifting melted butter, a slow, warm yellow glow. I saw a macaw this morning, on a college campus. Only here, man ;).
I also found the most peaceful place on earth, a few days ago. Or should I say, the most peaceful state of being, because it was a combination of factors. It was right after a delicious, heavy lunch, my body was completely quiet inside, and i went out to the big, marble verandah of my dad's father's house, and swung, trancelike, on the big oak swing, pushing against this spot on the metal decorative work under the banister in front of the swing to keep my momentum going. There's this place where my big toe fits perfectly, and I kick off the wall from there. Sitting on the swing, the vista is of tall, swaying, lustrous palm trees, and hawks hovering in slow, lazy circles on thermals rising from houses and the thali pond and temple nearby.
I sat there, and I resolved that it's time for me to be rooting the people out of my life who bring me down and sap my energy. For moments of rare total peace like that one, I would give a lot. And the best I can do is bring myself as close as possible to that kind of state of calm every day of this coming year.
but its not going to happen. who am i kidding? We are 17 year old girls in big highschools. Shit's gonna keep happening, we just have to keep our heads over the mess and keep breathing.
And, i never bought that crap about staying true to oneself, because people are so dynamic that that really doesnt apply. But, I'm discovering every day, that more and more of that is true. I'm all for relativistic morals, but there is an extent to which you've got to look at whether you could be hurting people and just stop.

In the Marriot, mapping lice.

2010-08-03T12:57:00.000-07:00

I'm in the marriot library (the U) right now, working on stuff for the poster presentation and paper for biology. It wraps up this week, the poster presentation session is on Friday.
It wasn't as fun or educational as i thought it might be, but i met Ben, and Ben was great. I'm going to miss talking to him every day. He's already gone, it was really weird saying bye to him, because honestly I've only known him for about a month, and it was a goodbye as in 'I know I'm never going to see you again'...ever. usually there is at least some ambiguity in goodbyes, like when a senior friend graduates and you promise to hang out throughout the summer, and it never happens, but at least there was no definition to the parting. it was hopeful, not resolved.
So I just ate my weight in orange chicken (and it no longer feels good...). I don't want to go to india, but at the same time i kind of do.
But i feel this sick....creeping feeling, that after i get back, everything will be different with him. We already have a completely random schedule of meeting up. He's perfectly sweet, chill, kiss-me-goodbye-every-time-we-part, so far, but I can't gage anything.
This is so weird to me. I wrote poems about this kid. I was infatuated with him three years ago. that part passed, and I gained maturity, but it's still so very very weird that this happened.
I don't want to go to India for two weeks and be lusting after him with that terrible ache. It happens to me most times i go there, with some person or another. There's something just so great about being there - mostly in the first few moments after we land, when all we can see is dense, thick, green forest surrounding the runway, and the air is so humid it sticks in your lungs, and everything smells and feels and sounds...just right.
But then the absence kicks in.
I love getting there, and I love the sweet pain in leaving there, but being there is often pretty boring.
Last year (sophomore year), i went to India over spring break, and there was a big holy holiday one of the days i was in Calicut, and we went to the temple and it was AMAZING. They had temple drummers playing the whole day, and the elephants were dressed up and paraded around, and it was so beautiful and so.....exhilrating. And then when we stopped by my mum's town, Bangalore, I hung out with the group of girls who lived there who were around my age. We played soccer in the streets. it was so awesome.
But this time, my grandma has moved into an apartment complex (WTF?) and there will be no street to play soccer in.....and somehow i have to run five miles every day. Its so hot, and when youre not hiding from the heat, you're hiding from the buckets of monsoon rainfall which so lovingly grace the eaves every day.
So it will be worth it somehow, all in all. i will make it worth it. I have a hell of a lot of summer reading for english next year, i can use the two weeks in india for that. (TWO WEEKS. two weeks. one thing about this summer, it's given me the weirdest handle on time. always waiting for something, but trying to pack it in. two weeks is a very very long time, but it can be short if you dont try to do anything with it).
Oh yeah, plus that funny thing called the extended essay which i try to pretend doesn't exist.
Read The English Patient. Do it.

OZIL

2010-07-10T19:38:00.001-07:00

He's striking. Wish i could say the striking striker, but he plays center midfielder..... Oh well, SO PRETTY

Circles

2010-07-05T19:05:00.000-07:00

Its funny how many things come full circle (full oval maybe, because theyre never conventional circles). Like, my friend who was frenemies (haven't heard that word in a while eh?, another circle)... with this dude is now in love with the dudes younger sister, four years later, and has to deal with the dude as like.. a family member? hehe.
or people you had those weird initial intuitive feelings about, and then later reconnect with... in weird ways.
Maybe its just me comparing first impressions to how ive gotten to know people along the way. It's kind of amusing :P
I care so much about him. Not like him. Don't like him anymore, nope nope nope. (FINALLY.). but I care so much, because he always, always has me worried, and i feel like the prickly wrongs of his life and his mind keep innoportunely jabbing themselves into my world. And i can't just ignore these things... even though, obviously, 9 out of 10 times i go LOOKing for them.
It's because I'm a retard, and because it's summer. what more can i say
In other news, WHERE ARE YOU?????
SHIT GIRL
what ive gleaned from facebook creeping is about all i know.
in other other news im now doing research in a lab with bird lice... its surprisingly exciting. but thats just because i love research...and bio... and science.. and getting myself out of the house for twelve hours every day, plus seeing people, is only making it better.
Now if i could only kill him and be over with caring...

Jitters

2010-06-23T17:31:00.000-07:00

A buzz in my head
Like butterflies and gnats
Ricocheting blindly off my skull walls.
With no light to swarm around,
They are quite, quite lost.
Silk worms spin dizzy
Webs of words
Spiders tap tortuous,
Skittering tempos.
Everything's a little twisted
In its confines
But they've started to get along a bit better
At the very least.
------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe i just ate too much sugar. I feel hyper caffeinated, but haven't had any today.
Played asian doubles ping pong today. Its kind of intense.
It hurts a little bit less every day (both my head and my toe). I'm proud of how happy I am. I only have two more days, and I'm pretty sure I can do it. Pulling through is a satisfying feeling. It's all we need, because too much of life is half-assed.

With me in mind...

2010-06-08T18:20:00.000-07:00

'There's a difference between having a routine and having an agenda'

Summer starts with a swooping sense of giddy freedom, friendship, and potential, but...soon follows the potential of routine? especially with what I'm doing this summer. eh.
It doesn't help that two of my best friends are going to be gone the whole summer... but i shouldn't be complaining, Molly has it worse. She's the one going to a new place.
You have it worse...your best friend is moving for good.

2010 mix :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNzrwh2Z2hQ

It's the last week of school

2010-06-03T18:55:00.000-07:00

I'd feel stupid spitting out everything in my heart, but right now i really just need to clear my mind and nurse my wounds.
1. I'm really, really not trying to sound full of myself here, but sometimes my empathy overpowers me. like, i feel like im feeling what people around me are feeling twice as strongly as they themselves are.
2. I let my grades go to the dogs this last quarter.
3. I'm going to cry like a bitch baby when my seniors graduate.
4. Even though I don't want to, and try to tell people that I don't...I care too much what some people think...
5. I hate not understanding shit.
6. I hope he's not putting up a front just for me. It would break my heart.
7. The drama in everyone's lives these last two weeks has been unbearable. It seems like everyone's been scrambling toward their interpersonal goals all of a sudden, because they realized there are a lot of people they're not going to see anymore after this week. I'm guilty of it, but some of my friends are going overboard.
8. I haven't slept. It's making the stress unbearable.
9. I can do it. I just need to turn off my distractions, and focus on studying for the SAT IIs.

2010-05-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

'Regions of the brain related to addiction and even mental illness light up on the scan when a person sees a photo of his or her beloved.'
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/24/love-on-the-global-brain/

That's hilarious :) Kinda cool, too. And makes sense..

Procrastination Station...

2010-05-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

Listening to Tegan and Sara's (older) stuff...which is apparently different from their new album which i haven't heard yet
I hate playing catch-up with school. I know i bring it all upon myself, but really....can you blame me?
God.
So bad.
I've been playing utter escapism for the past two months. I literally leave school to walk up to city creek canyon at least twice a week. It started because I was becoming so antsy i couldnt sit through a full class period anymore, and now I keep going because it's spring and memory grove is especially beautiful right now.
And there's this guy....
God.
Something stupid went down.... but...
I'm just feeling kind of lost as far as that.
And as far as everything else. I was even genuinely happy most of this year. Now, shit's drowning me...I suppose it's expected.

He's so proud of himself. A pen name, a poem that took him way too long to write. Why does he try so hard, and why does he sink to the bottom every time?
People need to stop pretending to be bisexual. Hey, If you actually are, I'm all for it. But what the fuck makes it a trend? No, you dumbshits, it's not really a choice, and the fact that you are perpetually horny and would stick your dick in anything that would stay still long enough (or the reverse, with your vagina - this is universally applicable) does NOT make you bi.

Poetry is being bastardized so frequently. It's screaming for mercy under their clumsy baby fists.

Write your letters in the sand....

2010-04-10T18:58:00.001-07:00

For the day i take your hand
:)
this song can make me cry. oh my god. and it triggers so much nostalgia. SO much.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjuyXR5by2s

Anywhoo, spring breaky ends tomorrow. :'(. Mostly, I'm pissed off because I'll probably be pulling an all nighter the last day of spring break just to finish all my homework.
And fuck, AP and IB tests are rearing their ugly, disfigured, cruel and unusual, slimy, pointy heads, just round the corner.
I'm volunteering with little children at the neighborhood house. They are the light in my week, so often the high point. So cute! and silly! and funny!
I went camping thursday and friday with buddies, in the san rafael swell right by goblin valley. It was so beautiful. We climbed in a slot canyon, and i have some mighty badass scrapes. We got drunk around a roaring campfire, roasted hotdogs, and I used my ACT prep book as toilet paper - so all in all, it was amazing.
We got there on thursday around 2 or 3, and we went into the valley of goblins itself and climbed the tallest goblins at the back, and from there climbed onto the white stone plateaus into the back of the valley. And from up there, you can see FOREVER and ever and ever. Theres a cool, haunting desert breeze that blows through your ears and empty spaces. The next valley is hundreds of feet below, and you get this deep desert swooping feeling when you stand on the white stone edge and look straight down.
Someday, just to scare the shit out of myself, I want to go bungee jumping :)

2010-03-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

There's this one dude, who's my friend i guess, but having one on one conversations with him is the most futile effort ever. I don't even try any more, and sometimes i give him rides home and its just long periods of time spent in ridiculous uncomfortable silence.
I hate to judge people harshly, but i think he's kind of spoiled. Like, some people have this assumption that they are perfect, and their upbringing has only solidified that idea in their minds. He's super arrogant, and thus i kind of feel like he thinks he doesn't need to please anyone else - like everything is a somewhat self-serving enterprise. Sure, if me or one of my friends got alcohol poisoning or broke a limb, he'd do something about it, but i HATE , HATE, HATE when people don't give a shit BECAUSE they are spoiled and arrogant. No other reasons, none at all.

A Dios Le Pido

2010-03-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

I had the scariest dream that the AP european history exam was the next day. I woke up (in my dream) and it was a horrible mess, and i was a horrible mess....
BLEH

Este cancion es en espanol, y por el musico se llama Juanes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqfMJkJcSYw

its a good song. He's sexy, and a good guitarist.

2010-02-28T10:59:00.001-08:00

This year is:
The winter olympics
World Cup soccer in south africa (WOW. i want to go to south africa. so pretty)
some tennis thing....
cool :).
Also, are there any modern pretty women? because I can only name old-time beauties.
Audrey hepburn, lucille ball, elizabeth taylor, ingrid bergman, vivian leigh....even julie andrews, even though she isnt dead.
But no one alive is quite comparable.
My family is on a hitchcock movie kick. Gregory Peck is deeeeeeLICIOUS!
I keep having dreams about playing soccer. They are bizarro soccer games, too, on GIGANTIC fields, usually at night with weird dim lighting, and they are loud and intense. I've had like five to date, that i can remember. I really need to get out there and play some pick up games, or i will go crazy.
It definitely takes a conspicuous absence to miss something so strongly.

iron and wine

2010-02-24T19:12:00.000-08:00

It's really weird thinking back to when we were 12. It was four years ago, but it feels like nothing much has changed.

In all honesty, a lot of things have changed - friends, the things i fill my time with, my outlooks on relationships with other people, and life in general. I've learned in leaps, and I've grown a hell of a lot as a person.
But I can't see the evidence, except from others. I've had people tell me I've changed a lot since i was 12, but i can't personally see it.
I was just thinking that, similarly, four years from now, we will be twenty, twenty-one. I can't even imagine.
I always wonder when it is we become adults, as such. There's a very controversial teacher at West who has told his TOK classes that people change the most between their junior and senior years of highschool. I don't think that is true.
Change is a very personal process. Some people don't even let it happen. Even when they expose themselves to a lot of different situations, they can choose not to change (which honestly, i don't understand. I feel like a little piece of me is altered by every single experience i have)
Well, I believe that, and then i encounter something that literally sets me back to when i was twelve, or even younger. For instance, today : I was at science fair (I entered this astronomy project that I've been working on, a continuation from camp) and this random guy (not a judge...some kids dad) was walking around criticizing everyone's projects. Like, literally the only thing he told the guy next to me was that there was a typo and mis-definition on his poster. So the guy comes up to me, peruses my poster for about 30 seconds and then emerges an expert on my topic and begins criticizing the way i presented my data, and going "so HOW do you KNOW" and i explained the facts very clearly and he goes "well thats all very CONVINCING but...." and gives me this retarded-as-fuck look. And everything was just building up inside me - anger, the AUDACITY of this man.....and i just reached my breaking point - i started crying.

I felt like such a baby. I felt like, not even a twelve-year-old, a ten year old? I mean, i had some motive because i haven't slept in the past week, and when i don't sleep, ANYTHING can set me off bawling - it always happens. But i was just like FUCK why the fuck couldn't i DEFEND myself to that bastard? What kind of a weak person am i? I'm so into telling people to stand up for themselves, and standing up for myself, and getting angry and doing something about it and this one time where i have to actually use this part of myself, i melted and everything I've learned or gained over the past six years of my life flew out the fucking window.

So later today, when i was driving to pick my sister up from school, I got to thinking about when exactly we really grow up? Because with most of the adults I've met, the answer is never. My mom threw the equivalent of a two-year-old tantrum yesterday, and I'm not even exaggerating. I've been volunteering under Sami's dad at the library, and he is a racist, self-righteous fucker who displays the passive-aggresive, jealous, and maniupulative qualities befitting a teenage girl.
I have specific moments where i feel like I could fit into twenty-year old shoes....even eventually. But most of the time, I feel like I'm pretty enclosed, and not to be cliche, but a little naive.
And thinkin about which of my friends could actually be adults - maybe half. A bit disconcerting.
The other half are needy, dependent, insecure.
It's almost like, to acheive any maturity within our lives, and to age emotionally and morally, we need to go through certain life processes, and go through them in the right order and the right way. Either that or face adversity, and fight our way up.
I'm yet to see how pampered kids make it in the world, but I'm just guessing some day they will realize the world doesn't actually work for them.

WOW.

2010-02-15T20:20:00.000-08:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/16/health/16child.html?ref=health

Happy Saturday!

2010-02-13T18:17:00.000-08:00

Today was a full, good day - :)
In the morning, i volunteered for two hours at the library
I did some European history homework
In the afternoon, I had a piano lesson.
Then I went over to Mimi's to make a fruitcake - its the kind that, after we make it, has to cure in brandy for a month. It's supposed to be DELICIOUS
I'm excited!
Mimi did my makeup. She's pretty skilled at the whole accentuating - without-overdoing thing. It was pretty cool, because i literally never wear makeup otherwise :)
Her mom had this pasta that she brought home from bookclub - the most delicious jank i have EVER eaten.
It was really, really gorgeous outside today - raining lightly and still warm enough to be pleasant, and then in the afternoon the rain cleared out and the world was bathed in soft springish light.
And now, i just watched Apollo Anton Ono totally whoop the asses of a host of other olympic speed skaters.
I always thought he reminded me of someone, and now ive figured it out: Ricky Ricardo!
hahaha.
I had such a big crush on Ono when he was in the salt lake olympics. that was when he debuted. He was like 18, super cute, and seriously gifted.
still is. except for the 18 part.
Anyway, in 2002, my family got tickets to go watch Ono race. We ended up watching the race where he tripped up a Korean skater and was disqualified, and I literally started crying

2010-02-09T19:58:00.000-08:00

I'm so pissed at the american school system.
I'm so stressed
I hate people
And love some.
One of those days, you know what i mean? where some people are totally making you happy but a select few are pissing you off like no other.
I hate being sick
I hate being stressed
I hate being sad
So I'm trying not to be
But at the moment, there are so many people i want to crush right now.
No, literally crush. I want to get in a big fist fight one of these days, because i have a lot of pent up anger inside me that is just going to explode one of these days.
I've come pretty close to punching a few people.
Maybe i should try to control the sentiment
But sometimes the raging swell of anger and adrenaline in your belly is weirdly gratifying.

Jay-z and Mr. Hudson: Young Forever (its really pretty. i think youll like it) (the video is pretty as well)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1nbvplgElw

2010-02-05T21:06:00.000-08:00

It's a sickening, creeping feeling
Looking in the school's dirt-speckled bathroom mirror
First thing in the morning.
And then so wishing you hadn't.

It would have been a much pleasanter day
[Or at least morning]
[Because you're not actually depressed]
And that's as long as the feeling lasts.

The cold is creeping reddish into your nose
Bloodying your eyes,
Emaciating blackened bags, from tired to sick.

Tortured young ladies, primping self-consciously
Gobs of make-up under eyes which stayed up late
Crying
Or thinking
Or stinging with heated stress.

Time is half in what is allowed, and
Apportioned in your mind.
When you focus on one thing
It's almost as though the other slips away
Into the lost, brisk winds of what could have been.

Afternoon mirror checks are slightly better,
But you find yourself seeking your face in someone else's eyes
Far too often
Not to worry about worry.

Through smudged reflections
And willowy self-seeking shadows
We all need a happy place.
Other than likenesses smothered
In averted, starry eyes.

No matter how powerfully his glance
Smacks you every time
Like a shot of 151
Or warm, tingling chills after your first taste of whiskey
[God, it smells like rubbing alcohol]
You're a lightweight
And a sip goes far.
And you can't see anything, either in his coal-black, inscrutable eyes
Or in your cup of gin.

Someday I wanna make you my wife...shawty

2010-02-03T20:18:00.000-08:00

you never know
(until you try?)
but sometimes, it's
just better not to try,
For leaving proceedings in their present
Tantalizing state of affairs
Is safely happier.
Happily safer.
Don't tell me you never
know until you try -
trying would ruin what little monotony
He suctions from my days.

2010-01-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

I will be all right.
I'm so thankful for caffeine

Sometimes it's too hard to fail
Sometimes it's too easy to get immersed
To lose yourself in work
When you fail at something seriously important to you.
Which can lead to discovering other things about yourself
Which can lead to a lot of happiness
Which leads to pain over untouched nostalgia
Over the things you left because they ended
Or the people you left because they ended.
And hating it when you talk to someone who was your best friend two years ago
And he is so lost and only covering up for it, and you're the only one around you who can see it
Because youre one of the few people who actually knows him.
Are they having sex?
I don't want to know.
Because if anyone, anyone at all
Is not emotionally ready for it
it's him.
and it's her.
I don't even know how you would decide it
But i could think of a few people who definitely are ready
And some who just shouldn't go there until they can come to terms with some things about themselves
And not strip to insecurities and
Who aren't changing themselves every second of every day
Just to be "loved"
Because, sure, they might love who you are becoming for them
They may love what you do for them
But I know, and she knows
That when you break down crying because of a pizza
Something is majorly fucked up.
I'm so sick of it
People all have messed up lives, and dysfunctional families
But when you are lucky enough to have parents who love each other
And love you (and show it)
And give you everything you need
You can go and make it all sad
Just by not coming to terms with yourself.
Obviously it doesn't happen overnight
But there's something about Amir in the Kite runner: he was a coward, but HE KNEW IT
Obviously he had issues, but less than he could have.

Yay cruel warlords
And damsels driven mad
By obeying stupid orders,
By following their dads.
Yay depressed Princes
Who sit there thinking all the time
And don't actually do jack
To avenge their uncle's crime.
yay stupid poems
Written to waste away the time
To be spent on one's critical analysis
Instead of listening to 'do you remember' fifty times.
:D

2010-01-22T21:04:00.000-08:00

this is NOT the way for life to be.
Every IB kid i know is sick right now. why? because not a single one of them has slept in, oh, weeks? Because every single IB kid is stressed out of their skull and it's killing their immune system.
What kind of an educational system is this SHIT? What the FUCK? We are literally sacrificing our sanity for some fucked up little diploma.
Oh, yeah people will say "well, if that's the way you feel then you obviously can't handle it and you should take normal classes".
But NO. you dont introduce us to this program and then expect us not to follow through.
Motivated kids are motivated for complicated reasons, and they don't give up when they can help it.
Its so stupid.
I am exhausted, and sitting here slaving over MUN shit for competition tomorrow, when lo and behold i discover my partner is "sick" and not coming tomorrow (aka she had a bitch fight with some other chick on MUN and is feeling bitter), oh and she wont even send me her policy paper and research? so im...supposed to do it myself? NO. I have NOT slept this week, and i am NOT wasting myself on this. i swear to god. If it doesnt work out, i will literally ditch the stupid BYU MUN conference and roam around provo for the day. I can't do this.
I understand why some kids do drugs like no other - sometimes its the only escape you have time for?

Disappear

2010-01-05T18:28:00.000-08:00

Have you seen chasing liberty?
Well, the boy in it is the same guy from Leap Day.
He is severely attractive
And especially cute when he is acting.

I don't expect a guy like that - its a stupid idea.
I am just So tired of that one extremely, horribly, SICKeningly creepy guy. I can't believe myself.
I've literally been changing my route of walking around the school just to avoid crossing paths with him. He makes me fucking sick. And why is he so socially inept??
JESUS.

Oh, today this (other) dude told me that one of his friends once jacked off into alex nichols' milkshake, and then alex drank it and said it was delicious, and he wanted to get another one.
wtf? okay, the kid is annoying, but that is seriously so low to sink. and ewwww.
Besides, that's their perception of funny...again, wtf?

I'm tired of boys who are needy(v), who lack balls(s), who play around(r), and who i dont like (the world). (Just kidding :P)
I'm so sick of the cold now, too. I really really need to run, or play sports outside. My body has been craving it for over a month, now. But its frigid and the inversion is making the air so shitty. I try to convince my parents to get me a gym membership at the U, where its cheaper for the children of faculty....but they haven't agreed. I would, but i have no money.
Basically, im eating my weight in jank every day :P
well, thats how it feels at least......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2Han2I7Uic
thurrr... lets feel sentimental for a mo'.
I'm so sick of everything.

"Think of me, sometimes, when the Alps and ocean divide us, --but they never will, unless you wish it."
-Byron 1819

2010-01-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to think of myself. I'm not proud... I feel pathetic. I feel like, even though my mom is a bitch, I should have honored their trust. But I guess what's done is done.
I want to do stuff that i actually like but its as though theres no time for that anymore. people are creepy, annoying, overdone, overused, and conceited. I don't want to deal with those people.
one of said people used almost 200 of my family's total shared 400 cell minutes.. for the month. asshole. he isn't even my fucking friend.
people
are
so
selfishhhhhhhhhhhhhh
the only person who's allowed to use up too many minutes is I, calling you. that cant happen now...i dont know what to do. Can you write me a really long email with deets? idk....maybe you can call my home fone? cuz i cant do ladline longdistance calls....dunno if you can....ahhhgh

Bastard Urchin

2009-12-29T17:02:00.000-08:00

'Tis true what you say about new years resolutions. Theyre useless hahaha. I think my issue with them is that i write too many, and too specific, and then forget everything i wanted to accomplish. i also don't think i could narrow my goals down to say...five or so, because one thing leads to another :)
we just got back from hawaii....wooooooo.....my mother complained the whole time. ya in HAWAII she found things to complain about. high point - i think my family has FINALLY realized that we are way too dysfunctional to actually do family vacations. They just aren't fun.
The highlight of the trip was my falling on a sea urchin our last day on the beach :P. it was rocky, i slipped, caught myself with my hand .....landed on a sea urchin hiding between the rocks. it has some poison (obvioously non lethal) which made it hurt like a bitch. the dude at the hotel told me to pee on my hand to dissolve the spines. i was like hell no. he said i could alternatively soak it in vinegar, which i did.
but we got back yesterday and i went to the doctor, and he took out as many as he could see. He gave me a numbing shot which hurt like a bitch because it was on my hand, but the rest of it was all right. i still have a few little spines deep in my finger, but theyre supposed to work their way out at SOME point :D
you ought to call me before i drunk dial you on new years eve :)
I know im immature, but this is the funniest thing ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=seEGwx2txuc
looove rowan atkinson
love you, too! :D

Test Pilot

2009-11-16T20:01:00.000-08:00

Sweetheart, he's a test pilot now,
He's not coming back.
Let him fly, in a few years
You'll see him on TV.
He'll be going to Mars
You'll freeze in your steps
You'll utter a cry,
'Hey, I knew that guy!'.

Sweetheart, he's a test pilot now
And he won't look back
He's off to far lands
To explore, and to fly
Just as long as we let him
He'll catch his dreams in the sky.

Sweetheart, he's a test pilot
And in his last calls home
You won't be on his list
For two years is a long time,
In test-pilot years.
But were it that summer
So breathy and rushing
So sweet and longing
And so far away
He'd tell you, oh so gently
Jesting, all the while
That you shouldn't let his absence
Ruin your darling smile.

mein english teacher

2009-11-07T17:18:00.000-08:00

I'd blame the richness in her voice
On love she'd borne for many days
On love that struck her suddenly
And never left her with a choice.
I'd blame the warmth strung through her smile
A jocular vein, a rugged style
Of happiness, which still exudes
Though her love has gone, and won't regress.
I'd blame the sweetness in her eyes
On hazy nights, and fireflies
Drifting through the daybreak view
Of someone whom she fondly knew.

daybreak eyes

2009-10-20T15:46:00.000-07:00

I walk the line
In your daybreak eyes
For whom you ponder
For whom I surmise

Like leave-lets thrown
To a soggy wind
I follow your thoughts
I trace your whims.

To dance, in visions
Starry and gray
To fall through the aeons
And land in your day

I follow paths worn
Dull, and bland
To stray, to a ledge
To catch your hand

And where I wander,
May I stray
Into your eyes,
Into your day

Catching raindrops
On my thighs
I amble, softly
Through your sunset eyes.

2009-10-19T20:56:00.000-07:00

holy shit, i have so much to do. i should NOT be here right now.
recently, ive been hanging out during my free period instead of doing homework (which i REALLY NEED TO BE DOING.) and after all i will only have the free period the first semester.
this morning, i had a long, deep, discussion in my ap psych class, instead of doing hw. (we had a sub)
so im
FUCKED
up the butt.
the funny thing is, instead of doing my homework, i sleep. like, i go to sleep at 10 or 1030 almost without fail, and if theres homework impeding, i just do it haphazardly or not at all.
im apparently screwed for the math test tomorrow. my friends who took it told me what to study to do better than they did.
but did i study it?
no, i did not.
life is so much more fun when you dont have to do homework
:P jk.
its funny, i really like doing my ap physics hw. its fun. the problems are challenging, and if you stay at it long enough you get htem
math, however, is a rote, waste of time, piece of shit of a class this year.
I WANT
TO DIE.
so i sit there and fool around in his class. hes such a nice guy he doesnt care. i make noise, and me and peter dont shut up. last class, i literally blackmailed the teacher to give me chocolate from his stash
im so bored of school, but lifes reasonably okay.
eh reasonably.
i cant wait until halloween, when i can just get really truly smashed. its the only true relaxation it is
im just kidding about that though....well, partially. cuz it IS a really good escape, but you know, i sound like an alcoholic when i say its the only escape, plus its not and i most definitely am not.
i really
ruheeelellelly need to call you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dont know who your boy is!!!!!!!!!!(?)

2009-10-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

So this is an important way to keep writing, ive realized.
im having this really weird craving for crappy sappy romance books and movies. i was watching chasing liberty today....it really made my day. theres something sweet about it.
im probably just on some stupid hormone thing, and will soon crave chocolate mucho like crazy.
My iliotibial band (lol its a tendon that runs from hip to foot, along the side of your leg) is KILLING me. like physically, i cannot run with this pain. it feels like my leg is splintering apart in a billion different places. I'm trying to rest and ice and whatever, because regions is on wednesday, and ive had a completely injurie free season but NOW i have to get this shit? when were almost done? and it actually matters? so fucking shitty, man!
Life is so much about being lucky. people try to pretend otherwise, but situation is at least fifty percent of your accomplishment of whatever. Even something as simple as what family you are born into factors into your luck, and factors into how succesful you will be, or what you will acheive.

Woot! :)

2009-09-24T18:13:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/25/health/research/25aids.html?_r=1&ref=health

aids vaccine. omgah.

2009-09-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

I'm in this really buzzed hyper stressed mood. Buzzed because I'm happy. Running long distances gives you these sustained endorphins. its crazy. lIke soccer would always give me a burst of endorphins, but running is much more exertion, and much more emotional reward later.
I'm coping well with my class load, but I'm fucking stressed. There is so fucking much to turn in...its like teachers dont realize they arent the only class we have......poo them.
I'm sleeping at a decent hour, but that's notttttt going to last.
He's so good-looking. It's really crazy how good he looks. He's been blessed with some recessive genes, cuz his parents dont even maintain the vestiges of good looks, but he and his sibs...WOW.
I don't have anything else to say though. dont really feel much when i look at him or talk to him. dont trust him, and rightly so. He doesnt even know himself yet.
I've become friendly with his gf. shes a sweet girl, even though i can see some faults they arent deep and shes a genuine person.
I'm really emotionally jumpy and happy and all, i feel pretty content with how everything's going, and im pretty excited for the coming months. So yeah, life's going pretty well. School can fuck that up, but i'm trying to emotionally distance myself from my grades.
so not working.
thats my life in a summary. HAHAHAH. we really need to talk!!!!!!
I miss you so much

You:)

2009-08-27T20:09:00.000-07:00

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've written stuff about you, and I've been friendly with you, and I've flirted with you, and I've been flattered by you. But I don't trust you, and I don't like that I'm so much like you. It makes the whole subtlety to the point of awkwardness thing totally understandable...except that youre not avoiding me, im avoiding you because my friend just explicitly told me to stay away, and im not mean. So I don't know what the fuck to do, which is making me BITCHASS scared, like SO scared to even meet your eye, you have no idea. and then im scared i'll act scared directly in your presence and just look like a fool. im saying this frankly because its pissing me off...yet its making school just a bit interesting, because otherwise i would be ripping my eyeballs out every time i step through those same stupid doors ive stepped through for the past five years.

W. has officially gotten more students, which puts us at like 3000 now? its ridiculous, its literally impossible to move through the first floor hall.

anyway, I'm in that jumpy, decisive mood where i want to initiate something. but i cant because....you know why. its the same as last year, with my last dude. i was just tired of waiting for the past two years, and i wanted to do something. and i mean, i trust my gut, because i let him know, and it worked (....at first, at least...:P)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been saying y'all a lot over the past few days. Just one day with your southern self and im talking like this and drinking sweet tea like crazy! :P

2009-08-23T16:02:00.000-07:00

super hot showers are niiiiice :) esp. cuz i have this really weird nerve pain in my neck...bleh.
yesterday we ran 8 miles....definitely the longest ive ever run was 5, with soccer. it took tons of will power to keep moving, especially going uphill.. my muscles went numb about halfway through, which was helpful :D:D. anyway the captains planned the run to end at jamba juice and we were all psyched...then we got there and jamba juice was closed!! hahahahahahaha
since i cant comment you yet ill do it here. aree you missing caleb yet? :P how was your first day of class too?!!?!
today i am driving my family to the mayan for dinner, and then we are going to the temple for some festival. were going to look funny in the mayan in our garb. lol i better not see some douchebag from school. fucking school.
im a better driver without my dad lecturing me, or my mom in the backseat acting like were all about to die at any moment.
i would be looking at my html book if i werent finding better things to do (ermm....watching house and gilmore girls and....harry potter...not reading c and p which i need to finish in two days...)
lol jk...ill try.
byebye

2009-08-18T07:21:00.000-07:00

I hate school. I HATE school, and i really don't want to go back. like i dont know if its because i ate too much captain crunch for breakfast, but just thinking about going back to school makes me want to vomit.
1. most classes are full of douche bags and the minority are people you like or your friends
2. school is full of jackasses
3. school is full of heirarchy
4. girls soccer as a rule hates cross country
5. my seniors from last year graduated and im really sad...i looked back at my yearbook entries and felt very empty and very sick.
6. the food....well i mean the healthiest option that actually is EDIBLE is pizza (theyve upgraded from 5abuck to dominoes :O) and tis not exactly healthy on a daily basis. also i always either forget lunch money or forget/dont have time to pack a lunch, so ive become quite a mooch after four years in west
7. the reason im so dreading going back is....ive already been here four years, im supposed to have graduated
8. the cliques, the posers, the people who have nothing better to do than cause drama and talk behind peoples backs
9. the loads of homework that i am not going to give a shit about....like give me three weeks tops and i will stop trying
10. except not really because anything less than an A- equals punishment, yells, and worse from my parents
11. the "inbred" swapping daters
12. the "inbred" swapping daters who think i need a boyfriend
13. my parents bitching about extra curriculars cutting into homework time
14. the racist against asians physics teacher?
15. FUCK SCHOOL
16. p.s. i tried your list format hehe :) tis quite effective.

2009-08-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

Today is my sister's last day of summer camp. A few weeks ago, i heard her talking to my parents about some girl who didn't let her play in her 'club'....you know how little kids do that. so i went over to go talk to her about that, and i heard her and my parents sounding really agitated about it so i asked what exactly the girl had said to kajal. Kajal said "She told me i couldn't be in her club, because no brown kids are allowed." Obviously, i was like "WHAT??" i flipped a bitch right there and my parents actually had the gall to say "what, its just a little kid thing, whatever, dont make such a big thing of it, its just what little kids here do." It reminds me of the movie The Namesake, which is about an immigrant Bengali family...one day they come home from vacation and their mailbox has been graffitied with 'gangrene'...i dont know how exactly that is a cultural or racial insult, but the kids in the family knew it was and told their parents and their parents responded with 'What? that's just some kids having fun!'.
It makes me so angrry that my parents' only serious effort to fully assimilate is to....lay down before racial insults? Absolutely ridiculous
So i kept talking to Kajal about how that was just not acceptable, and the next time the little bitch said something like that to her she had to tell her counselors about it....This had happened TWICE already, and my parents knew about it, and sat on their fat asses failing to do anything but vocally object to the fact that 'im turning into such a lazy good for nothing typical American teenager' because i hang out too much. Anyway, when i tried to tell Kajal that stuff in front of them, they yelled at me. so i took her aside into my room, and told her to tell her counselors the next time it happened. then i told her she was beautiful, and everyone is completely equal yadda yadda and i told her the next time that little bitch (Chloe is her name) said something like that to her she should tell ME, so that i can go push her sorry little bitch ass off the monkey bars and then yell at her posh, retarded, two-hundred and fifty dollars a week-paying rowland hall summer camp mother. i HATE bitchy little girls.

In other news the cousin that i thought was gay is getting married....hehe. when we went to india over spring break, his mom was talking to me about arranging a marriage for him, so im really glad he beat them to it! She's Bengali, and i hope she's cool because he's handsome, and so smart. He just finished his phD in microbiology and is trying to get a visa to the U.S. I think its really cool because hes been obsessed with animals ever since he was like three years old. he was one of those little kids who could name the exact specie of every living thing around him, especially the weird ones.

Life-Changing Books

2009-07-31T07:15:00.000-07:00

i saw this as a note on someones facebook, but wanted to put it up here because then its more personal. its a really cool idea:
make a list of books that changed your life, w/ a brief explanation. you should totally do it, cuz i want to see your list of life-changing books!

1. Black Swan Green - David Mitchell
It's obviously firstly my favorite book, but its an amazing piece of work, and a unique writing style. mitchell conveys emotion flawlessly. it is the only book that has really made me cry

2. Ghostwritten - David Mitchell
Also good, not as good as Black Swan though. It is impressive because Mitchell is an amazing historical fiction writer, and because the changes of setting and voice are flawless and beautiful. also the idea behind the whole book is creepy but good.

3. The Diary of A Girl - Anne Frank
So sweet and relatable. She was a great writer, and even in hiding she made her life sweet and worthwhile. touching as shit too.:'(

4. A Mango Shaped Space - dont know who the author is
You told me to read it, and i loved it. Synesthesia is a really interesting disease, and ive been thinking about it for all these years after I read it.

5. Zoo Station - about Berlin during World War 2, written from the point of view of a journalist. Amazing.

6. Memoirs of a Geisha - better than the movie. a really deep exploration of human emotion, and how people stand up to hardships and face blows. great historical fiction, and really beautiful and moving

7. Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
The roughest, edgiest book I've ever read.

8. Pride and Prejudice- Austen
Rich, beautiful, awesome writing, and classic plot

9. Wuthering Heights - Bronte
woot! confusing, but good plot. one of those love stories where you are totally rooting rooting rooting for the ppl to get around each others faults and hook up

10. A Ring of Endless Light - Madeleine L'Engle
You remember this book right? so beautiful

11. Arm of the Starfish - L'Engle
My first exposure to a novel of scientific and political contreversey

12. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
I dont know how much of it is true, but its a book that has stayed with me from the day i read it

13. Whirligig - Paul Fleischman
I read this book when i was young, so i don't know how it will resonate to read it now. it is a mature subject to be reading about in youth, but it scared me and was thought-provoking when i read it years ago. an interesting story about atonement, and mortality.

14. The God of Small Things - Arundhati Roy
It's a good read as in its well written and a page turner, but i dont like it because it is a bible of overdone, fabricated sadness. still, its imagery, descriptions, and haunting events have stayed with me since the seventh grade, when i first read it. it is a book that has changed my life

15. Second Form at St. Clares - Enid Blyton
aside from being a really fun read, an awesome boarding school story, it infused me with aspects of character judgement that i had never before considered. blyton, despite having written a while ago, has clear psychological insight that she reveals cleanly in childrens books

16. the Harry Potter Series
have changed many lives

17. A Raisin in the Sun - Lorraine Hansberry
Historically significant, and really moving.

18. Indigo Rose - Susan Beth Miller
This book is literally painful to read. its hard to reread, because i dont really want to deal with that emotional hurting any old time hehe. but its such an insight. miller is amazing at portraying the feeling of loss. so sad. god. wow. but you should read it.

19. I NEED YOUR HELP WITH THIS ONE. there is an amazing, an absolutely amazing book i read when i was younger and i cant for the life of me figure out its title. ive googled it and searched in library catalogues, etc. its about the holocaust, one girls grandmother's story through the holocaust that she unearths somehow. the girl is a journalist. the story intertwines with the story of sleeping beauty. i completely cant remember the title. have you read/heard of it?

you shoulld do this list of your life changing books, cuz i really want to see your book!
love ya!

new delhi

2009-07-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/03/world/asia/03india.html?_r=1&hp

yay:)
the picture is really cute too hahaha

2009-01-28T21:01:00.000-08:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/27/opinion/27brooks.html?em

Hmm?? haha
this is stuff im sure youve thought about before. i have, but the part that is interesting is the idea of this whole pattern of losing faith in institutions being a driving force of the economic collapse - the lack of this respect for specifically designated tasks, e.g. banks. people with simple lives and pride in what they do are happy and, according to nationalists, the perfect patriots. :)
so i dunno, if you think of it from an exponential standpoint, societies are moving toward anarchism. but its not scary because its not true, at least in the forseeable future.....tchnow what im sayin? haha MWAH
hows being sixteen?
love you!!!!!!!!

2008-12-05T18:38:00.000-08:00

im psyyyyched.....:)
im happy, i think this is something bigger and realer and more special than I've ever encountered....
I'm so happy about how it is....Its getting ridiculously cute, because he's opening up rather quickly now :). monday was so much fun. i came away with my face hurting from smiling and my stomach from laughing..haha....i really didnt want it to end. it was great....:P
I.....okay so today i was talking to my senior homies :P, and one of them has a boyfriend right now. and they spend a ton of time together and she's pretty smitten, so haha.. i asked her if she is in love.
And shes like "no....i mean, i really really like him" and k was like "yeah, dude, love is what you say when youre like...thirty"
but honestly, isnt a person likely to fall in love at a greater frequency when they are a teenager? i think so, yes. i dont know
I think love can't be defined in such strict terms, either. It's a personal spectrum. I think it's comparative. You can compare how you felt about the hottie, the cutie, the best guy friend....and that's how you know.......?
I just think people should give themselves more of a chance, using that word a bit more freely. People try to scare us away from premarital sex, and i think that's why teenagers have a hard time believing they can be in love.
I don't think you can gage it on how torn up you were when it ended, either. Some people are just really good with grief.
Like, when i suffer a really big emotional blow, i usually curl into myself and get lethargic and morose, i cry a little but its not a tear-fest. so......i dunno
haha just give yourself a chance.

This is ridiculous

2008-11-05T19:04:00.001-08:00

Proposition 8 would be what i am speaking of.
I dont EVEN want to get into this. its ridiculous.
RI
DI
CU
LOUS
The proponents and supporters of proposition 8 are a bunch of ignorant, bible-banging bastards.
Maybe im jumping to conclusions saying they're all extreme christians.....well most of them are extreme christians, and the rest are narrow-minded pieces of shit.
It makes me BEYOND furious, that the fucking Mormon church actually contributed money to fucking proposition eight. Like, are you SERIOUS? ARE YOU SERIOUS? I actually LIVE around these people????????? i TALK to them every day????
ARE
YOU
FUCKING
KIDDING ME
HOW FUCKING PRIMITIVE CAN PEOPLE BE??????
oh well these are the same people who think Obama is muslim and thus a terrorist.....all because of his name.
Piece of shit ignorant, shitheaded, motherfucking assholes
this is
RIDICULOUS!
FUCKING RIDICULOUS!

hey, ill call u soon, u have issues and so do i :P....we neeeed to talk....!!!!
but on a happier note, it's an OBAMANATION! :D:D:D:D:D:D
im so proud.

2008-07-21T16:31:00.000-07:00

We just found out that my great aunt passed away yesterday morning...it kind of just makes me realize...you think you kind of....know everything....but then you find out you really don't. As in we're all a lot more ignorant than we think we are.
First of all, i didn't really know anything about her. I saw her at most once a year for a week or two at a time...and i never really got to know her, because she was always so far away and everything. I remember our last visit most vividly, because we went just last summer. She had a stroke a few years ago, and since then she's been severely underweight - as in like 90 pounds - she is literally skin and bones, and it's kind of scary to look at her. haha she has this mannerism of making this weird old lady smacking-the-lips noise, and i remember when i was younger i would like..openly flinch when she did it near me...i feel very mean...
This last visit, i felt pity for her. She is a very, very sweet old woman. she does seem pretty content with her life (she cant remember much, so i guess that helps), but she doesn't get the attention she deserves or deserved in her life. So i talked to her a little bit, and asked her to show me old photo albums and stuff...she liked that :) and i gave her a big hug on the day we left for the states again...i dont think she's been touched in a while...its just not really an indian thing...like parents hug and touch their children tons and tons but then after youre like ten, it all abruptly stops. which is kind of sad, but it happens in a lot of other places too so hey, its not unique.
I remember watching her copy out religious passages in tamil, my dad standing by and remarking at how her mind is still in such working order at such a great age (she was 89 when she died).
So yeah, nice lady, but i honestly didn't know her much.
But i always wondered why she lived with her brother (my grandpa, my dads dad) and their family...like, all of my grandpas siblings would logically be married off - i knew she wouldnt have gone to COLLEGE or something...i just wondered why she wasnt married and with her own kids....But it seemed like one of those questions i shouldn't ask, because she might have been single for some shameful shameful reason...everyone was really mysterious about it.
Fortunately for me, my mom is a gossip queen and has a longstanding grudge against her inlaws (a grudge that they arent even aware of....yeah she's THAT insane) I don't mean to call her specifically STUPID, but it seems that amongst the uneducated, theres a need to create a lot of drama in their lives just to keep themselves occupied. In pretty much every part of my family tree i can find someone who has a grudge against someone else in the family, or someone who refuses to speak with, meet, look at, or aknowledge another family member, usually for some insanely moronic reason. Anyways my mom happily told me the deal with Lakshmi Athai:
She WAS married, at the lovely age of seventeen, and then her husband died two weeks later. :O. GOD wouldnt that suck? not emotionally exactly, because she wouldnt really be that close to him after two weeks...but once you're a widow in hindu society, you're like...worthless. a burden. imagine having to think you've suddenly become just that to your family! mustve been really painful for her. She moved in with her brother, my grandpa...i dont know, maybe they were really close out of all their eight siblings, maybe the situation was just convenient ( i prefer to believe the former.)
I was like "how did he die in two WEEKS??" was he really ancient? was he really sick? my mom said "no he was in the army"....the army.....uh, india wasn't in any wars. the indian independence movement was still ongoing during that time, its true, but the indian independence movement if youll remember was NONVIOLENT so uh, thats not how he died. its possible he was one of the soldiers sent by the british to fight in world war two right? but i dont think so, cuz i wouldve heard lots about such a famous (albeit dead and not actually related) relative. so....he was a soldier, but he must have died out of his occupation. maybe he got run over by a cow.

apparently Lakshmi Athai herself has some moronic grudge against her whole family - BUT if i use my brain a bit...maybe its not so moronic. maybe they were total assholes to her when she became a widow...whatever it is, she specified in a letter she wrote concerning her death (a few years earlier) that she wanted: "her body should be taken to the crematorium only in an Ambulance, no religious rites should be performed no photograph shouldbe given in news papers (no one at Mangala Vilas should be informed !)" the exclamation mark is my uncles surprise that she didn't want to inform her family of her death...must have some grudge against her siblings, cuz her parents are long gone.
it seems like, in her death wishes, she really didnt want to be a burden to anyone. which is SO sad, because i think she already considered herself a burden throughout her life.
so yeah....one thing pisses me off though. various family members have been emailing all the other family members with posh, overly formal, sickening words...i mean first of all, if anyone really cared about her, wouldnt they be calling instead of emailing? this whole new age technology...BLAH. it just makes the messages emotionally detached. second of all, way to use a bunch of pretty words to describe someone you dont know - like, in all their emails people say "we have all these wonderful memories of her... she was a blessing to the world..." LIAR YOU MET HER TWICE
hahahha i guess i haveno right to be pissay
and then, everyone starts using phrases like "her soul now sits in the heavenly abode looking down on us" and "It was the Almighty's way of easing her pain" doubleyou tee eff man. these are literally some of the least religious people ive ever met, and they start dragging these words in.
i dunno, i think that if they never really knew her, they should just send condolences to those who did - like "Dear Ganesh...I know you loved your aunt. i heard she was a sweet, lovely woman....our blessings are with you in this time of loss" yknow? simple, fo sho.
having said all that, we got this really sweet message from my dad's cousin (who is really cool by the way, and i really like his daughter...shes a year younger and way fun). :

"I am with Akhila (my sister) and family right now and we spent the last 3 or more hours reminiscing the good times we had with her when we were growing up. To me personally, she was the epitome of a friend, philosopher and guide, and much more. It is almost as if she was around every time I was growing up facing hard times (e.g., after my father passed on). And she was around not just physically, but psychologically and spiritually.

To me, her passing is to reminisce and celebrate our own past (so rich with family and friends) and cherish our own ways of doing the same for future generations…"

ahahaha i love how im putting this up for the world to see....welllllwhateveahhhh!!!!!!!! peace out, try to do some snooping about an obscure family member of yours, its pretty cool.

2008-07-03T18:19:00.000-07:00

hahaaha
so the Indian Cultural Center will be built soon, and people in the community are raising funds and publicizing it and all...today, one of our family friends spoke on the radio about it. so he's been chatting with the interviewer for a while, and i walk into the room where the radio is and lo and behold! the first thing i hear is "um..yes, and we will be building classrooms in the center, to be used for SAT prep...and other things" And i just CRACKED UP, in front of my dad and everything, and I just couldn't hold my tongue...so I said "Yeah, that's what Indian CULTURE is"
hahahahahaha
and i laughed and to my surprise my dad started laughing too, instead of berating me for not appreciating my culture, as he usually does.... it was great :)
then five minutes later he walks into my room and gives me a lecture about how "You can have your little laugh and all that, but your future is important, blahblahblahblah," yes, yes, i will drive you to south jordan every day for the next three years for SAT prep.....well he didn't say that, but honest to god they have great potential for the indian cultural center if they put some actual effort in. I did Bal Vihar (kind of like Hindu sunday school) when i was much younger, and it BORED me to TEARS...so much that my parents let me quit
however, Sunday schools at local churches seem to get much better responses from children...Maybe we can take a few tips from them or something, eh?
My parents can pretend they're very dedicated to their culture...they USED to be...when we were one of the few indian families in utah (wayyyy back in the day) we went to every function, no matter how far away it was. Then, stuff started coming up - for one, i started comp soccer...None of the other indian kids played sports, so i was pretty singular in that. My parents got busier, my sister was born - hell, they've got plenty of excuses. I regret not going to anything for one reason alone - i had some REALLY good indian friends that i met at bal vihar, and now we've totally blown apart and fallen out...you know..
on the rare occasions we do attend functions, all the kids i used to be best buddies with pretty much ignore me, and the shy ones are too scared to talk to me.
My dad says with pride and envy (and a little guilt) " Sneha (the radio friend) says he's raising his daughters to be 'true indians'....teaching them not to hide their culture and identity"

...well, i said, "What does he mean by 'true indian' ?" but my dad had walked away by then.
honestly, i didn't come to really accept my cultural background until this year. And it happened this year because i became good friends with some bangladeshis at my school, and started making fun of indians with them. I've discovered i can do a hilarious indian accent, and youtube has some FUNNY shit, and bollywood can be made fun of an infinite amount :). So i didn't accept my culture until i ridiculed it, and I heartily doubt Sneha can convince his girls to love their race just by raising them as 'true indians'. Hell, i KNOW his girls, the older one and i used to be good friends. They are about as truly indian as i am, possibly less (and that's sayin somethin). Just like me, they don't even speak their "mother tongue" at home. BIGASS deal
A few things still really piss me off about being indian....that whole SAT prep thing? SHEEYIT! good GOD, way to promote a stereotype! It always pisses me off when people assume I'm smart because I'm Indian. In the past, this stereotype has caused me to doubt MY OWN talents, thinking 'oh my god, I'm only smart because my mother forces me to do math in the summer!'. The only talent that i felt i could take personal pride in was my writing, because it was the only subject my parents DIDN'T coach me in....The only subject where I excelled without pressure...The only subject where I'd hear "Great, you can write, but don't become a writer...you won't make any money"
This Indian-parent attitude is the subject of many jokes (second only to arranged marriages). When kids stereotyped me as the smart Indian kid, the one thing that saved me other than my writing was my athleticism. I remember walking along the sidewalk with my Indian friend, fifth grade, Rowland Hall...A soccer ball bounced off the field, so i picked it up and dropkicked it back to the kids...it was a nice enough kick...The boys' mouths literally dropped open.
I have my dad to thank for that. He introduced me to soccer, and even coached my team until I turned eight.
I can only conclude that my dad's cool. hahaha. But confused. He had dreams and i know for a fact he still has some...When we're alone together, he talks to me about stuff like that, that he wouldn't discuss with my mom (because she wouldn't understand or agree). He was obsessed with engineering and electronics when he was a kid, always experimenting in his basement and everything...Which leads me to believe that he actually followed his heart in his career choice..which is pretty motivating. However I also think that as the youngest child, my dad had strong familial attachment, which always partially inhibited him in his decisions. There's also the effect of growing up as a rare rich man in a third world country - you see poverty every day, and you'd give up pretty much anything not to fall into it.
But I still always thought it would be motivating if i became the first Indian-American professional soccer player, or one of the few Indian-American authors...My parents have completely crushed the first dream - the only way I'm even still PLAYING soccer is with the highschool team, because they refuse to drive me to games or practices. And I'd be....like...disowned if i tried to acheive the second.
But my life is still partially up to me...I have already made decisions that my parents don't agree with, and i will in the future...But whatever I do, I want to be happy. Because I would drive myself NUTS doing something i really didn't want to do my whole life.
wow what a huge rant. I'm in severe pain from the lack of wisdom teeth and I've been pigging out on pudding! and i rented Garden state but i had to stop watching it after five minutes because it was making me sad and uncomfortable (when i was already sad and uncomfortable from the tooth removal).....and tomorrow, i have to go to my grandfather's death commemoration. Instead of having fun. blah, its okay, no complainin
I will chillax tonight with a nice book, and hope that my cheeks shrink overnight!

2008-07-02T15:40:00.001-07:00

oh my GOD i am in so much pain
it hurts my JAW when i SWALLOW!
my cheeks are all puffed up like a chipmunk
I feel like ive just gotten fifteen botox injections
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOWWWWWWWW
and im nauseous because of the stupid pain medicine. FUCK IT

2008-06-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

My father is so hypocritical! It's pretty hilarious.
Like, some European dude draws prophet Mohammed, the Islamic community gets explosively pissy, and my dad laughs his ass off at them. However, it is NOT funny, not funny at all, in fact it is extremely VULGAR, when an Indian man makes a version of the Ramayana (called the Kemayana....creative :P) where Seeta stays with the demon, refusing to be rescued by Rama. That would, in fact, be one of the funniest things.....like ever! Funnnier, in any case, than a group of muslim extremists burning an American flag.

2008-06-13T20:14:00.000-07:00

SHEEYIT BITCH
Shoot boy
Even premium potatoes from the premium land of soviet russia cannot save me now.
I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it
I just got back from a week long astronomy camp in Arizona, and it was completely AMAZING. Like no joke, one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I watched a comet literally move through the sky, through long-resolution pictures from the CCD camera attached to the twelve-inch telescope. At three in the morning, I watched Jupiter's moon Io disappear behind Jupiter's shadow. I looked at orbital patterns, i saw the sombrero galazy, i asked questions about our glorious sun, i learned tons of things. I watched the constellations turn with the sky and the international space station pass glowing pink
and i watched Tristan, the counselor.
huh
not again
like honestly i really REALLY really REALLY REALLY REALLY don't care if I'm spending time with a hot older guy. Of course it's an added benefit, and I'm not saying it's unpleasant, you know...Your average hot older guy is fun, but no big deal.
I hate it that he was flirting with me though. I mean, WHY?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO DO THAT? HUH??????HUH????HUHUHUHUHUH?????
this is SO stupid and i am so tired of getting incredibly infatuated and thrilled and flirty and adrenaline-rushed over guys that I'm never going to have anyways.
He is twenty-one years old and admittedly very cute, but there was another even cuter counselor fitting this description, and i had no problems with HIM.
Admittedly I tried to flirt (notice the word tried....HAHAHAHAA I MEAN as far as i know, though ruthie says I'm wrong, I am pretty much incapable of flirting!!!:P) with him just a little, just like all the other giggly teenage girls up there. He dealt with it in a perfectly respectable manner, innocently ignoring and dispelling all passes except for those from his fellow (ENGAGED) counselor.
Now, i know Tristan teases everyone from time to time, and he is very well-liked, and girls think he's cute, so I definitely did just think he was naturally flirty and kind of tried to pass it off. But it didn't work, because after a while, he wasn't flirting with my friends, just me. Ass
He teased me pretty much every waking moment, He'd make goofy eyes at me, he made me a cup of tea at Kitt Peak Observatory, he found me funny, I guess he found me cute, in some weirdass way and i know he was watching me fool around with the other counselors. But i HATE it. I mean, any and everybody would like to be noticed by a cute, likeable guy, right? I'll say i tried to get noticed a little too, but he could have just not taken it that far
it really hurt.
ill get over it lol i mean other than him my life is totally amazing, right? I have to find out about soccer tryouts, and kick ass at them. Before soccer conditioning i have to run every morning. I'm going to try to take german at the U, because were going to Germany again for a week this summer. (AIIIIIIGGGGHHHHHHTTTT!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAH YAY) I am getting my wisdom teeth removed next wednesday :O
I have to hang out a lot, do my summer reading, and find either a job or a volunteer position. This summer is going to be so awesome
I think i kind of like hormones...they're kind of like a drug. Like, I've gotten thirteen hours of sleep over the past three days because of all of our observing, but I didn't crash once. I crashed today, though, right as I boarded the plane in Tucson. I was completely BAWLING for nooooo reason when my dad picked me up from the airport after i landed in SLC.
mmmmmmm
mmmm
mm hahah
ha
So yeah I hope everyone is enjoying their first week of summer. Post
I am such a dork
SHEEYIT
Twenty meters, straight up G
Thats how long my telescope is

2008-01-31T20:09:00.000-08:00

:(..... i think i either am anemic or have a mild form of mono

ive been tired and lacking in energy...but its a different kind of tiredness, you know what i mean? its kind of the 'im about to pass out/collapse/fall asleep suddenly' tired rather than the exhaustion and deep fatigue thing. and when i try to work out, I CANT. ITS SCARY.

like my last soccer game was last saturday, and i was totally fine and great and dandy. and then, i tried to run on tuesday. it was horrible, there was like no energyn my muscles. i forced myself through 25 minutes. i did that again today. and after i finished i felt like i just wanted to drop down and sleep right there. when i tried on wednesday i simply could not and just didnt run that day.

haha

i dunno

im not depressed. im quite happy and all. its something physical i thiiiiink......

im also yawning a lot lately, which makes me think its anemia

the other symptom of anemia that i exhibit (which is admittedly kind of embarrasing) is the lack of sexual interest........but you know what i mean right? for the past 2-3 weeks its been kinda like that for me.

ahem

thanks for taking the time for that

hahahaa

i just have to say......that i hope youre enjoying black swan green

amor para todos

i thinkt that was rather incorrect

2008-01-24T20:25:00.000-08:00

okay hell, did you know that norah jones is ravi shankars daughter?

CUZ IDIDNT
thats so weird
(ravi shankar is a rlly famous indian musician)
i didnt know she was half indian.....i actually thought she was half black
huh

in other news
i looked up some clips of brokeback mtn on youtube......i REALLY want to see that movie now
(RIP heath ledger. thou art hot and talented)
anyways........have you ever watched two gorgeous guys make out?
it is SO FUCKING HOT

haha my convo in creative writing class w/ the senior who sits at our desk group
me: its sooo sad heath ledger died.... i really want to see brokeback mountain
justin: all you want to see is heath ledgers ass
me: ........
justin: i know your ways
me:....okay, yeah

ruthie is FIFTEEN TOMORROW
:O
im not gonna spoil the surprise but lets just say.....an amazing one is on its way. :)
i guess that counts as spoiling
LOVE!
-kam

2007-12-30T21:26:00.000-08:00

cllliiiiiiiimb evvvvvery mouuuuuntain
waaaaaade evvvvvery streeeeeeeeam
so ya i just finished watching the sound of music. tear its so very beautiful. i adore that movie. and the songs are cute and simple and not overly sappy.
julie andrews used to be very very pretty

yeah so mister mike fuckabee (honestly, really bad last name to have).....if he by way of some miracle happens to become president........im leaving the effin country.

we caught mike huuuuuckabee
with his dick uppppp a bee
and then we asssked the man
"So, now, mike, what's your plan?
Will there be a marriage ban?

What are your thoughts on the
Insec-tual-i-ty"

and in other news
whats our world a comin to. apparently today in salt lake city there were TWO stabbings. in good clean little salt lake city!

and ahhhh
okay benazir bhutto.
so truthfully, the reason im kind of into this conflict is because my parents grew up in India, the neighbor and constant clash-wither of Pakistan. My mom and dad pretty much grew up with benazir bhutto. figuratively
but yeah. its terrible. we were on the cruise when we got the news....we turned on the tv and the first thing we heard was "benazir bhutto has been assasinated"
my dad moans "OHHH my GOOOOOOD"
its really sad. she was pakistans hope for reform, for relief from musharraf's military dictatorship....she was going to bring democracy to the country again! and democracy alone had the power to stop the way extreme islamism was controlling everyone's lives.
its....so sad. the elections are coming up, and with no one yet chosen to run in her place.....and then again, who will vote for anyone from her party other than her? they dont really know the other people, i think. she had something like a 64 percent approval rate in pakistan, with musharraf at only 46. and then she had to go and get herself killed.
well in reality thats kind of what she did. shes an incredibly courageous woman, everyone knows that. but there is a line between courage and stupidity. you can't save the country if your dead, and its not noble to get yourself killed if you could have saved the country. thats why i really hate the way that society over-glorifies courage. if given a choice, fuckin save yourself..... i mean, when she returned to pakistan something like a month ago and hundreds of people were killed in a bomb that was aimed at her, i was suprised that everyone wasnt pissed off at her. In this situation though, i do think it was totally necessary..... i mean, she had to return....first step towards reform.
but she KNEW that people wanted to kill her.
*sigh* i dont really know. im not trying to blame her....but still....we lost a great woman.
and apparently she had previously written that if anyhting happened to her, it was musharrafs fault, because he hadnt provided her with adequate security.
maybe........ the guys definetly scared now.....
hopefully her hubbie knows a little something about politics.

aight so new years resolutions.......
1. science project
(AHHHHHHH! I HAVENT STARTED ON PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING)
2. raise money for new york Model United Nations nationals in march
(AHHHHHHH! AGAIN, HAVENT STARTED)
3. stop procrastinating
4. eat healthier. more veggies.
5.wear my rubber bands.... i have to get these things off someday....:(
6. relax, have fun, forget my stupid motha.

the cruise was tight. we played tons of ping pong....which i must say i am getting real good at ..... i can beat my dad now!
and we ate TONS of DELICIOUS food.
i mustve gained 20 pounds or so.
we even played shuffleboard......
ooh one of the stops was ensenada, mexico, and i actually used my spanish in the flea market, to buy a starfish! you have no idea how exciting it was! haha
yeahhh
so you gonna do anything special for new years?
when r u coming back?
amor y paz en la tierra!

ONe of the writing prompts i actually liked

2007-12-07T16:20:00.000-08:00

What are you so afraid of?
Why won't you look me in the eye?
Why are you so unwilling
To show anyone that you cry?
Why do you lay down before her heavy, monstrous, ugly, feet
Why can't you find the stars among the sheets of pouring sleet?

What are you so afraid of?
When love's up in your face
Why can't you show these special ones
How much you admire their grace?
You're so scared of falling
That you don't even try to stand
Why can't you feel my body calling
For the warmth of your hand.

Why can't you speak your mind without
Putting everyone to sleep
Why can't you have charisma
And gain attention you want to keep
Why are you so closed up all the time?
And why are you so selfish?
Why are the only tears that leave your eyes
Procured by your own pain.

Why are you so afraid
to think outside the lines?
THat have been etched and deepend for years
Within your frightened mind?
Why are you so afraid to accept?
And so afraid to question
The only ones who count in this world
Are the ones who don't fear redemption.

As we choose what genes we want to continue
The blood to pump through our children
We indirectly know
What sill stop where, when, and why
And we decide not to try.

2007-12-04T18:07:00.000-08:00

okay, like i dont know if something is wrong with me...
but i absolutely positively cannot stand it when people read their work out loud in creative writing class. i get those chills all over my body, the kind that make you want to wriggle out of your own skin because you are so disgusted.
and i honestly think id be fine if the work they were reading wasnt so....ugh. its not that its BAD because some of it could be fantastic if only i were READING it rather than hearing it, but some of their work is so....UGH.
okay so ill explain. in creative writing class, we dont write short stories or creative essays or ANYTHING. we get a prompt each day, and we have to write something profound (ly fucked up) . it can be a poem, yeah. but still, its just so STUPID, because with these prompts, you get a billion kids all forcing them selves to be profound and ending up sounding like whiny, cheesy, disgusting ....crap.
i know im being mean. some of it would be SO much better if only we werent REQUIRED to read out loud eight times a quarter. aka if we read each others work instead of listened to it. like i said before.
i hate reading out loud. i feel like im ruining the whole point of whatever i wrote. i think that you can only get the real voice of the piece if you
a. have it read to you by a very gifted reader
b. read it for yourself.
so yeah...
lol thats my bitch rant for today
anyways.... in memory of mrs. bernritter.
she was truly a person who lived her life to the fullest and loved every moment of life. i dont think she died with any regrets, and thats the way to go.
:)
i shallt call thee ruthie, very very soon. ive just been so busy the whole week. whew. but vry happy. and im sooooo happy that you finally realized how kickass socca is! :D

Pictures

2007-11-06T18:44:00.000-08:00

Beatle Baby in the darkness
Feet are mushing over wetness
Heart is pounding chills and heavy
Gray stones breaking through the ivy
Darkness pressing wet and chilly
Thick and sticky, cold and willy
Watching over past and aching
Wishing that his heart was breaking

Wandering through the misty slush bank
Whispers tickling, chilling, thrilling
Glances shot bright from dark corners
Hands sliding off his slender shoulders

Crumpling over, tears are falling
Chilly wind voices are calling
Cap pulled down over his eyes
He rests his hand upon your thighs

The darkness chills but lets you in
With the gentle touch of dead Saint Jin.

2007-10-31T20:22:00.000-07:00

heyyyyy
i just got back from trick or treating
it was soooo much fun!!!!!
it makes me realize...that the times that we are happiest are when we are with our friends!
im feeling like throwing up after my nutritious reeses cup dinner
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD
IM SO
FUCKIN
EXCITED!
so after a painful five month wait, i get to play my first soccer gamee this saturday at 6 pm! i am literally counting the hours! i love soccer so much!
im thinking about trying out for west bball too. like, just for fun, cuz ive never played it for real before. ive always been good at basketball when i play just against my friends, and i know i am a natural athlete andi have ball sense, but i dont know how far just those skills can get me. ah itll be funny to see what happens. it is just for fun, cuz i probly wouldnt have time for it anyway, because im playing indoor soccer november through december (YAY)
had a great day today
also a kind of epiphanetic (word?) one.
so in my creative writing class, the teacher asks us to read our work out loud, voluntarily. and honestly, i think that ruins writing. i think that some things can only be truly felt to the full emotional capacity of the work if they are read rather than heard. it takes a really skilled person to read a piece with its deserved emotion, and no highschooler that i know has that kind of skill. some writing is just not meant to be read out loud.
anyways, h appy halloween!
love
pax
- kammmm

2007-10-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know if just not trying is going to get me anywhere
Just not caring, it would be, because i guess i dont really try.
What matters to me... is that you noticed me. Despite being the object of every affection, I still stood out.
At least a little.

You weren't like everybody else. You weren't charming. You weren't out there. You weren't drop-dead gorgeous. You weren't open.
It was interesting.
Loving you is like loving myself. And its easier trapped in a beautiful body.
It's easier knowing that people like us aren't trapped inside all the time.
It's easier knowing that you know what i mean.
It's like feeling yourself in a mirror.
It's like watching you react.
It's the little twitch of your lip that never happens
The little falter in your gaze that never was
I see someone so old inside you...that doesn't know how to get out.
I see someone afraid to feel
I see someone who can feel... but doesn't let go
I see someone afraid to love
I see someone shudder with pleasure every time he's touched
I see someone's dry wit shine through the emotions on the surface
I see someone so fragile he has to pretend he doesn't care
And i feel myself
And that's different.
At least a little.

I can let my lower organs tingle
And my stomach roll acidly
I can let my eyes roam your stoic exterior
And my soul your glass-like heart
I can let your very essence blend with mine
And glow with every glance that falls lazily my way like a dead autumn leaf
Tapping gently against my bare core, a ripped piece of life
And stirring me down to there.
I can let auras and thoughts and paranoia engulf me, gently, like the soft breeze in your hair, ruffle, cool, wash over me gently
I can dream of kisses and cold hands on warm bodies
I can watch you make eyes at that beautiful blonde.
I can hope like I've never seen a boy before
I can hope like the stars that squeeze through the dark clouds
I can fall, like the petals that go unseen.
And lay at your feet in a soft pink carpet
To warm the tips of your toes
To the tip of your nose
To feel better about everything I ever was
To hope every laugh that escapes my lips
Exists for nothing more
Than to brighten your eyes.

2007-10-05T18:28:00.000-07:00

the reasons im having second thoughts about soccer have nothing to do with the sport itself
i love soccer
so it pisses me off that people have to be like this
but honestly, i CANNOT talk to them. i just cant. they are the kind of people i just DONT open up around.
i mean when i was 10-12 we got along fine
but then everyone started feeling the need to become popular

a. You have NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to look down on someone because they arent popular

b. You have NO RIGHT to poke fun at someone because they are quiet

c. You have NO RIGHT to talk about someone behind their back

d. You have NO RIGHT to treat someone like shit just because they are "below you" even though they talk to you and try to be your friend

end
of
story

yeah im still going to play
i totally wont quit what i love for them
but im not doing the tournament in st george because its no fun when you dont get along with anyone. u have no one to hang with

oh and one more thing

you all tell me im quiet.
oh REALLY
i never NOTICED

The Gardener

2007-09-30T14:12:00.001-07:00

Peace, my heart, let the time for the parting be sweet.
Let it not be a death but completeness.
Let love melt into memory and pain into songs.
Let the flight through the sky end in the folding of wings over the nest.
Let the last touch of your hands be gentle like the flower of the night.
Stand Still, O Beautiful End, for a moment, and say your last words in silence.
I bow to you and hold up my lamp to light you on your way.

- --------------------------------------------------------------------------
When she passed by me with quick steps, the end of her skirt touched me.
From the unknown island of a heart came a sudden warm breath of spring.
A flutter of a flitting touch brushed me and vanished in a moment, like a torn flower petal blown in the breeze.
It fell upon my heart like a sigh of her body and whisper of her heart.

- Both poems from 'The Gardener' by Rabindranath Tagore, translated from Bengali.

BEAUTIFUL
there are 85 poems in this book and they are ALL as BEAUTIFUL as these two.
If you let the imagery play in your mind, take the time to see everything he describes, you will be in a whole nother place and feel the same things he felt while he wrote his poem. I reccomend The Gardener.

2007-06-29T17:45:00.000-07:00

I hate my mother. I absolutely loathe her. That f***ing b*tche's head is full of elephant shit.

I hate what i have to put up with, living with her. Her hobbies include insulting me and yelling at me. Both happen multiple times daily.

Recently she's begun to take out her feelings on me. Even if her feelings of anger have nothing to do with me, she takes it out on me. She said so herself yesterday, after she hit me about five times while screaming abuses at me and pinching me. She tried to pinch my face, but there wasn't enough skin. It was scary, it hurt. Her face was full of pure hatred and violence. I hate that excuse for a human being. She thinks shes brilliant, sh e thinks shes perfect. She really does. Thus of course its perfect for her to take her anger out on me.
Today she hit me and then threatened to strangle me with this awful look on her face....all because i didn't hang something up to dry the right way and it was still wet. I want to kill her. I really don't have any use for that fucking asshole piece of shit of a woman. All she does is berate me and make me feel bad. I really can't put up with this. I just can't. I've thought about running away but thats a stupid idea.... i know that...... and i would scrape up the guts to hit her back or something if it weren't for the fact htat i really want to go on this europe trip, and i am not letting that fuckwhore keep me from doing something amazing like that....and also, my sister needs a mom.....and if i hit my mother she might really leave the house like shes been threatening for years.
she honestly just doesn't give a damn about me. To her, i don't have feelings.

Argh...... its not like shes like this all the time....but recently..........god im just so tired of her. i wish my dad had married a woman with a brain.